Have This

pain of the chronic variety.

Hello! Its me :]
Its been a while since i updated this. I wrote chapters but never published them.
This is kind of a vent
I developed chronic pain since the last time i updated this, so this is kind of a self indulgent chapter. Del has had chronic pain since before i did, but now i can write from experience. I ALSO have a boyfriend now, so i know what cuddling feels like and i dont have to guess anymore. Pretty awesome. i also achieved the autistic dream of having someone crush me with their entire bodyweight.
I wrote this on my phone AND my laptop, that's why it switches from all lower case to with capitals.
If the dialogue feels clunky it's because both of these characters are autistic 👍 also del has a stutter thats why theyre stuttering all the time they arent y/n

Enjoy!

TW:

Pain (it's literally about chronic pain)

Potentially confusing grammar (they/them/theirs/themselves???themself????)

Ableism, internalized ableism as well probably

it was fine.

it was worse than normal, but not at its worst. they can handle worse.

'i should. . . tell her' oh how they wanted to. if they could just urge their body to pick up their phone.

but telling someone came with change, bad change normally. pitying glances, looking away each time they winced in pain, almost like them being in pain was worse on others than themself. they preferred it over mockery and snide remarks though. about how they would kill themselves if they were in constant pain, are they not ashamed that they let their body come to this state? that they would neglect their own needs and dare subject other people to watch, watch as they limped down school hallways and heaved on sidewalks because they were too weak to perform their daily tasks? as if it were THEIR fault, their fault that their joints felt as if they were crumbling under their body weight, their fault that their head spun and their muscles ached at the end of everyday, that they were too tired to even get dressed for bed-

del sighed. they laid in their bed, stiff as a board. they pushed themselves too hard, and now they were paying the price for it.

it always started at their hips. snaking down their thigh, resting at their knee. trickling down their calves like sand, painfully slow. settling in their ankle, leaving a throb in its path. and that was just in their lower body. it would curl up their spine, like a serpent, constricting their chest, weaving between their ribs like a whicker basket carefully woven by the hands of a skilled craftsman, instead of a vile creature whos aim is to squeeze the air out of their lungs as quick and efficiently as possible and not much else. spreading from their back and chest to their elbows and wrists like wildfire. beating with their heart as the minutes went by.

thump, thump, thump.

when they walked they could feel their muscles pull and squeeze, stiffening with each step. after a while it almost felt tied down to the joint by twine. rubbing against them painfully.

del promised rose that today was a them day, they would spend the whole day together and nothing could get in their way.

del was so busy, so unbearably busy, and it made her unhappy that whenever it seemed like they got just a moment to breathe together, they got whisked away by another task they had to complete before the end of the day.

they promised, and-

they raked their nails down their arm.

the sheer worry pressing in on their skull was enough to break down a wall.