Solace (completed)

Chapter Twenty-Four

Alex Solace

My mind feels fuzzy.

   All the air was sucked out of my lungs when I heard him, when I felt him lay another kiss onto my lips.

Happy birthday, baby.

Holy shit it's my birthd— that's not important.

My- shaking- arms were tucked into my chest, my head was on his chest as I panted heavily. Holy shit. I felt his hands creep into my hair as he worked to take out my bun, letting my wavy hair fall to my shoulders. He weaved his fingers through my hair and his hand settled at the back of my neck where he rubbed the sides softly, his other hand resting gently on my mid-back.

   Oh my god.

   I genuinely feel dizzy. Lightheaded. And I can tell he feels the same way from how harsh his chest is rising and falling. My mind feels foggy and my heart has been pounding so hard that it brings tears to my eyes from how overwhelmed I am. And the feelings of being small in his arms doesn't help.

   But it's like... like a good small. Like a safe small. It's like I feel small and protected in his arms and it's all too much, all too real, all too foreign.

My lips tremble as I hold in a whimper, my eyes start to water and my arms tremble harshly.

I can't breathe.

My mind starts going a hundred miles an hour and his hold on my body isn't enough to keep the voices away, to keep the voices from making me feel trapped in my own mind.

Nothing but buzzing went through my ears as the voices started attacking me. The overthinking-ness I tried so hard to keep away was coming back tenfold and I couldn't take it.

Why would he do that? How dare he do that? I was completely fine suffering in silence as I wondered whether or not he liked me. Obviously I want him to like me back but... but at the same time I don't. Because then that means it's real, it makes. Everything. Real. And he'll want something from me.

   They always want something from me.

This can't be happening.

I don't want him to want something from me. I don't want him to start expecting something from me. I don't want it. I don't want it. I don't wanna ruin what we have.

That kiss ruined everything. Everything. Now he's gonna expect me to... to have sex or... or do other things and... I can't. That safety feeling that I have with him will be gone. It'll be replaced by a continuous feeling of anxiety, of constantly wondering what his mood will be each day. My best friend will be gone. The best relationship I ever had will be gone.

I don't want it to be gone.

I want Elias. I want him. But what if he doesn't want me like that? What if the kiss turned him into the rest of them and he only wants... no.

But the scary part is even if that was the case- I would let him. I would suffer and I would let him do whatever he wanted to me because I don't want to lose him. That- that fear of losing him is greater than my fear of him hurting me. I would... I would let him if it meant not losing him. But at the same time I really don't want that to happen. I want to protect myself and I want to say no, but I know I can't.

A quiet sob escapes me and my body shakes.

I don't want him to use me. I want him to want me, love me. I don't want him to hurt me.