Solace (completed)

Chapter Thirty

Please remember any and all legal/law/medical bullshit is either made up or close to the truth but not quite.
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Alex Solace

   I have the papers.

These stupid fucking papers.

My body shook as I held them in my hands, the faint background of my bedroom floor coming into view.

I want to give these to her now, but I'm too much of a fucking coward.

My mind has been racing the past few days. Between what happened with Elias and... and this.

Thinking about what happened with Elias, it almost makes me sick. I cried- okay? Cried- more like violently sobbed in his arms after... that. Because I knew I fucked up. I fucked up because I-I allowed myself to do those things with him, to give him those parts of me, all because I... wanted something.

And now I've dug myself into a hole. A hole big enough to fit a fucking casket and I can't get myself out of it. Now he probably has these- these expectations. Now he probably thinks I'm willing to do whatever, whenever. He probably expects me to do things and it's all my fuckin' fault. I did this. I did this to myself.

   Just thinking about it makes me sick. Yeah, I was horny in the moment... and maybe a bit a few hours earlier... But for now I just don't want to think about it. I don't want to think about how now I have to satisfy his needs every time he tells me to. Because I did it with him once, and now he's gonna expect it all the time.

   He hasn't said anything yet, so maybe I'm lucky and he forgot. If any higher power is by my side, he's moved past the whole thing and forgot it ever happened.

   But you know, it might be okay. If I try hard enough, I might like it. If... if I focus on something else, I might be okay and not think about it.

   At least that's what I keep telling myself.

   But... would he really put me through that though?

   I mean, come on. This is Elias. I mean, would he really... force me into doing something like that? He's been so patient and gentle with me throughout our relationship, and he even took care of me afterward. Would he really... would he really force me into something sexual?

   No... no. No. Absolutely not. Not Elias, he's... he's a big kid at heart. He's sweet and adorable and loves giving me neck kisses. He's watched Despicable Me with me for crying out loud. He always lays on top of me and-and puts his face in my neck. He snores when he sleeps and has his mouth hanging wide open. He wouldn't force me into something.

   Right? Right. I'm right... right? I mean, maybe some part of him expects something, but that's 'cause he's a teenage boy. Doesn't necessarily mean he'll force me into something.

   And he gave me a word. Why would he give me a word if he planned on forcing me into things? Manipu— no. No. We're not going there.

I'm probably being dramatic. He hasn't said anything so far. So maybe it's still my choice. Maybe... maybe it'll be different if we try something again. Maybe I freaked out because it was the first time we've done anything together.

Yeah, maybe that's why I'm having all these thoughts. I just need to take a deep breath... and calm down. Deep breath... and calm down. I'm okay. It's... it's gonna be okay. If the time comes where I want to do something with him again or-or I have to do something with him again, it's gonna be fine. I have a word, and-and Elias said it himself. He wouldn't be mad at me.