Solace (completed)

Chapter Eleven

Elias Salazar

Alex isn't here today.

She isn't here and now I can't stop fucking fidgeting.

I wipe my sweaty palms against my dark blue jeans and clench my fists on my lap. Get your shit together.

I don't understand why I'm acting this way. She missed two days of school before and I was fine. What changed?

My attraction for her. My need for her.

At least a month has gone by since we've met, and each week I like her more and more. And each week my dependency for her grows.

I'm like a fucking golden retriever with separation anxiety. Fucking hell.

She's not here for one day. One. Fucking. Day. And I'm about to lose my absolute shit.

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to feel, I don't know how to fucking talk to anyone right now. I've had at least one or two acquaintances come up to me to say 'hi' and all I can manage is a clenched jaw and a stiff nod.

I raise my hands to the table and fist them against the cool surface, my jaw locked right and I feel my teeth shake from the pressure.

If she's not here then I don't have anyone to hold my hand, clutch my fingers in their fist, I don't have anyone to hold... anyone to talk to, I don't have her here to sit her on my lap.

I'm pissed off.

I need her here. The pressure from her body on my lap... it grounds me in a sense. It comforts me. It makes me feel secure. It's also like a reassurance in a sense. Like I'm here, I'm here and she's with me.

(A/n: look up 'deep pressure therapy'.)

Its partially the reason why I put her there. Feeling her body against mine, it just makes me feel better. I don't know why, I don't know how, but it relaxes me. Also because I get to feel her skin and her thighs when she lets me- but that's besides the point.

I feel happier when I feel her body plop itself on my lap. It's a feeling of comfort that's better than anything I've ever felt before.

I need her.

I sit in first period with a racing heart and a groan bubbling in my throat. This is- torture.

I know what you're thinking. You don't have her for first period. I know that. But there's just a feeling. A gut instinct feeling that's telling me something's not right. She's not here.

Okay... maybe I'm being dramatic.

I rest my head on the desk and take a deep breath. Calm the fuck down. I'm overreacting. I'm freaking out over whether or not she's here today. If she is, she is. If she's not, maybe she has a good reason. Everything's good. I'm good, life's good, Alex is probably okay. We're good.

No the fuck we're not.

I lift my head and run a stressed hand down my face. I groan and fist my hair. I need a nap.

Nap.

I let out an exaggerated groan that catches the eye of some of my classmates, but I don't pay attention to them. If she's not here, then u can't go with her to pick up Mateo. And if I can't go with her to pick up Mateo, then we can't take our afternoon nap together.