SMALL TALK ; rant book

(15) small talk ; rant about crushes, pt. 1

i've never mentioned this before but the first time i ever had a crush like on a person i know personally was when i was 18 years old. that was my first time.

it was weird because i didn't know crushes were meant to feel like that.

like there were definitely times when i thought a guy was good looking before i developed a crush but that guy when i was 18 literally gave me butterflies. i couldn't even explain myself. it was sickening. i was disgusted. i just wanted the whole thing to stop.

having a crush on that guy literally made me overlook so many of his red flags that i personally hate on men. i overlooked everything because it was my first crush and i didn't know how to deal with it.

anyway, the only reason i stopped crushing on him was because he laughed at this girl who was having an anxiety attack and i literally couldn't fathom why i even liked him after that.

at that time, i was on medication for anxiety and depression and no one knew about it because i did a pretty good job of hiding it from people but i couldn't wrap my head around the fact that he would do the same thing to me if i was the girl.

and that's where my first crush crashed and burned. i never had a crush after that.

2 years later.

okay so i've posted 2 times about this guy at work and when i tell you, this man is actually so fine.

like putting aside his arrogant and completely annoying personality, this man is literally beautiful.

it literally sounds like the plot to an enemies to lover book of sorts but that's besides the point.

yesterday, our manager paired a trainee to an experienced worker so i was paired with him because he's been working there for like 6 months or something.

i'm someone who makes eye contact with anyone i speak to so when he was explaining things to me about the menu, i would stare directly into his eyes then at the menu but i think he was a bit creeped out about that but that's literally my way of showing them i am listening.

anyway, he helped me around the place, showing me how to take an order and how to make the starters and all that. that literally increased him on the attractive scale, throwing aside his condescending personality.

i should explain why he's condescending right?

it's because he acts like he's better than me. and i get it. he is. because he's been working there for longer but i can be just as good as him. so when he talks to me like i don't understand, i just get so fired up like i want to fight him.

but what topped it off for me? to make him actually be someone that i call a crush?

when he took the blame for a mistake i made.

THAT LITERALLY SOUNDS SO FAKE BUT I PROMISE IT'S REAL.

i usually clean the tables and set them up if he's taking an order for a bigger group. but i completely missed the glass on the table. like how did i not see that?? it was literally right in front of me.

anyways, when the manager was walking around inspecting the tables, he pointed it out to J (we're going to call him J from now on). the manager said, "i'm just going to leave it here for the person who set the table up to notice it."

our manager is all smiles and that until we make a mistake. and we both knew that.

J looked at me because he knew i set the table up while he took an order so YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID?!??

this man looked at the manager dead straight in the eyes and told him that it was him. he didn't notice it because it was in between the salt and pepper shakers.

experienced workers DON'T SET TABLES so the manager knew it wasn't him but i basically didn't get into trouble.

SHUT THE FUCK UP.

i'll keep you guys updated on the situation