depression stories

my personal story

I have been depressed ever sense elementary school. I am not being treated for it but I think now that I'm older I might just get help. I never knew or thought I was depressed until my freshman year of high school. I am aware of all the risk factors and what untreated depression can lead to because well I've been their I've lived through it. I would never hurt anyone I know some people who have depression myself included. Just know that I'm not doing this for attention, and I'd never joke around about this either. I have attempted suicide 6 time's that I can remember. The first time that I had tried was when I took a knife out of the knife door that was in the kitchen. At that point I thought I couldn't handle being here anymore with all this unnecessary pain. I was originally going to cut a main vain in my arm I knew it would've eventually killed me. I put it on the vain that I was going to slice, and I ready to cut it. In that moment I couldn't explain it something just came over me and whatever came over me I had than decided to put the knife back in the knife door. After I put it back in the knife door I literally just ran into my room. The second time I tried was when I'd make my brother so mad at me he would grab my throat. That would've killed me because well you need to breathe in order to live. Well I did succeed in my brother getting mad at me and he did put his hands on me. At that moment in time I knew I wad afraid to die and I somehow got my brothers hands off of me and I ended up pinning my brother. After that I again went back into my room. I did tell one of my so called friend's once maybe twice to maybe two of my friend's. I had learned real quick not to talk to anybody about anything because I was told that "my life is no where near as bad as others." Another thing I was told was "stop seeking attention". I was told many different things another one was " I cause drama and I should knock my shit off". At that point I just was done. I thought these were supposed to be my friends, and If I can't tell them anything than I didn't have a reason to talk to anyone about anything. I did just that I still have a hard time talking about my problems. I know good people, my good friends are there for me. Every time I open up I say sorry and move on with something else because I have such a hard time opening up to people. When I was done at that point I just wanted to try attempting for the third time. I ended up not trying a third time I ended up talking to one of my "friends" there not my friend anymore. She ended up talking me out of it though. I did cut myself before for months of my freshman year and I did a little bit of my sophomore year but I quit right away before it reached to months at a time. I guess in a way I did want help but not through doctor's and treatments like I was somesort of experiment. I did tell one of my guy friends, and he basically was kind of a jerk. It was affective in a wrong way but in a way. He told me that he was going to clean it if I didn't stop. Out of all of this that was going on I never wanted to say anything to my family but eventually they did find out. What I never understood was why people bullied others to the point of suicide and where they thought there was no point in living anymore. I had been bullied all my life except oddly enough not my 8th grade year. That was the only year I never got bullied, and I was just happy actually happy that year. I never got why people bullied others when they didn't even do anything. I had been told "don't take it to heart" but that's a very hard thing to do. I did shut my family out completely. I do talk a little bit but not a hole lot only because it's hard to talk to people. One time I tried being friends with someone on Facebook and they ended up bullying me in the comments I read them all and I broke down. I did say thing's back in retaliation. Only because they didn't know but it still hurt me when they didn't even know me, and they ended up hating on me for no reason at all. Some of the comments about me where they calledme a dumb bitch they made fun of my teeth that's why in pictures I try not to smile or shown my teeth at all. I simply said if only you knew what I've been through maybe than you wouldn't hate on me. They told me to stop acting like a victim. As if I was playing a part. As if my hole life everything I stood for and still continue to stand for was some sort of twisted joke. All of the comments about me didn't help anything. Not only did it break me down, but it hurt like hell knowing everything was said at that moment it was like an eye opener like I'd never forget that day. I still isolate myself I hide in my room. I barely come out and I barely talk to anyone. Sometimes I would starve myself. I still have bad thoughts but I try my hardest not to act on them. For the longest time I'd cope with all the bullying everything by seriously talking to my dog but he had passed away my 7th grade year. For a week I was crying I was in so much pain because he was my best friend I loved him to death he wasthe best dog I've ever had. I still miss him every day I still look at pictures and break down and cry. He had passed away the day before my birthday. I remember receiving the news. Not only did I break down but I felt like I was breaking even more what little pieces I had of myself that kept me hole was chipping away. I felt like I had lost everything. My 8th grade year 5 days after my birthday my grandpa had passed away. I was hurting even more I took his passing so hard at night I practically beat myself up thinking about it I was in tears and I felt like it was all my fault for not spending enough time with him. I remember pounding on myself at night about it because he was gone nothing could take it back. No one really knew that but you guy's that are reading this. Just know that there's hope in everything you do there's always hope. No matter what I'm here to talk if anyone needs it. The next day I stayed at home it was a Friday too. At my middle school we have these Friday fun nights, and I wasn't going to miss that because I thought it'd be good for me to go and keep my mind off of things. I will never forget that day because that following Monday. I got yelled at because I couldn't tell her my grandpa had passed away I was emotional enough about it, and she just yelled at me. She made me cry during class after she yelled at me just for trying to take my mind off of things. I told my mom, and the teacher did in fact apologize but it'll be something I'll never forget. Forgive but you just can't forget it'll be something that'll be with you forever. She did ask me why I didn't say anything? And it was just one of those moments where I couldn't. I did have a cousin who had passed away too tbh I have had a lot of people pass away and any type of death is hard on anyone. There's so a lot of parts I had left out but hope whatever it is you are going through gets better