request: ......Steve loosing reader on a mission just before Xmas? He planned to propose and all that sappy stuff? You choose if the reader dies or not
pairing: steve rogers x fem!reader
summary: you'd gone missing, but steve was never going to give up on you.
word count: 1,154
warnings?: angst angst angst, ambiguous ending ig?, not proofread
note: this was written between november 9-17, 2021.
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It wasn't supposed to be like this. You were supposed to come home. You were supposed to be with him. Steve was supposed to wake up with you nestled in his arms, you head tucked under his chin. He would watch you as you sleep, the early morning rays casting over your face, making you look like an absolute goddess. He would pepper kisses around your face, joy erupting from his chest as you would wake up with a giggle, nuzzling your nose against his. You would get up, coax him into a shower with you, your giggles turning into full blown laughs as he would give himself a fake mohawk with his sudsed-up hair. After you both were clean, he would make you breakfast, talking about your plans for the day. You would part ways at work, then come back together in the evening, enveloping each other in warm hugs and snuggles until it was time to go to bed, then do it all over again in the morning.
Now your side of the bed was cold. Steve felt too light when he slept, missing the weight of you on his chest. It was impossible to sleep now, if he was being honest. It didn't feel right to not have you in his arms. And when he would wake up, he would only be faced with the reminder that you weren't with him anymore. That you were gone.
He didn't laugh much anymore. It didn't feel right to laugh without you. When he woke up in the twenty-first century, he had been so confused, so lost. But you had been a beacon of hope for him, reminding him that there was life beyond the fight. You were the first person to make him smile when he woke up. And now he didn't want to smile unless you were the reason behind it.
A ring box rested on your nightstand. It had been there since the day the case went cold. Steve stared at it most days, wondering what it would have looked like if he had been able to give it to you. He would never get the chance. He would never get to watch you walk down the aisle, meet him at the end of the altar, swear that you would love him til death and he'd do the same. But, even if you couldn't make that promise, Steve swore that there would never be another after you.
He didn't want another after you. There would be no one after you.
It was a standard intel mission. Easy in, easy out. But their information was wrong—horribly wrong. Everyone managed to get out okay. Everyone except for you. They had been attacking civilians. And you, kind-hearted you, had taken it upon yourself to get as many people out safely as possible. But you didn't consider your own safety. That was your fatal flaw, Steve mused. Caring too much about others that you would put your own life on the line. The building collapsed. When the dust settled, no one could find a trace of you.
The investigation lasted half a year, but eventually everyone just...stopped. Said there was nothing left to do. You could very well be dead, and no one would know. But Steve, he'd given up on someone before. And he swore he would never do that again. Not when it was you.
"Steve," Bucky said, standing in the door frame, watching as Steve fiddled with the ring. "You need to come out. She wouldn't want you to be like this."
"I was going to propose tonight," Steve whispered. "At dinner, as dessert was being brought out. I was going to hide the ring in the cake. She always thought it was cheesy when guys did that in the movies, but we both knew she loved those kind of clichés."
"She's gone, Steve."
"I thought you were gone, too," Steve said, looking up. "I've hated myself for nearly a hundred years for not trying harder to find you. I can't make that same mistake with her."
"HYDRA's not—"
"It might not be HYDRA, it might be someone else. But we both know people have been trying to replicate the serum since I first got it. It's not...It's not out of the question to think someone took Y/N to...experiment on."
But before Bucky could argue further, an alarm began to sound throughout the tower. Steve jumped to his feet, the ring left abandoned on the floor as he grabbed his shield, following Bucky out into the fall.
"What the fuck's going on?" Bucky wondered, watching as people raced through the tower.
But then Steve saw it—a flash of blue racing around the corner. Steve's heart leaped out of his chest, chasing after the flash. It couldn't be...but there was no other explanation. That was your color. Who else would have it? You were back, you were alive, and you were...
Running.
Why were you running?
Steve leaped at you, pinning you down with his full weight. You fought and clawed and punched, trying to get away. But he wasn't going to let you. Not when he had missed you so much.
"Y/N..." he breathed out, almost like he couldn't believe you were actually there.
You frowned, still fighting against his hold, cocking your head to the side. "Who the hell is Y/N?"
Some Christmas wishes do come true, Steve mused, staring down at you, trying to figure out what he should do. But...Was this really the cost of his wish? What was he to do with you here, in his arms, staring up at him like he was the perfect stranger? You were his Y/N, but you weren't. Not now. Maybe not anymore.
"I love you," he breathed out, like he thought it might be the last time he got to say it.
"No, you don't," you grunted, your knee connecting with his stomach. He was caught off guard, rolling over, letting you go just enough for you to jump up.
"Y/N please..."
"That's not my name."
He squeezed his eyes shut, wishing that this was all some cruel nightmare. And when he opened them, you were gone and Sam was standing over him.
"What the hell happened?" Sam asked, helping Steve back up to his feet.
"She's alive," he said. "She's alive, but she doesn't remember who she is."
Sam stared at him for a moment. "Well, we've done this before. We'll do it again. I promise."
And though Steve wanted to believe him, some part of him knew that you were somehow too far gone. That the you he knew wasn't his anymore, and that you would never be his again. But, instead, he only nodded, deciding that it might be easier to pretend like it would all be okay eventually than to accept the reality that you were gone.
