I can see you.

I Can See You (09)

Sammy

“Hey little buddy, come, have some pancakes.” I nodded and in response took the plate of delicious looking pancakes which she had just slid across to me. I picked the first and took a nibble. It tasted beautiful. The trickling sensation that I felt as the pancake went down my throat, reminded me how I was starving! I grabbed the syrup and poured it over the plate, and then I grabbed a chair and sat. Esme was perched lightly, also on a chair, in front of me.

“Hungry, eh?” she said, laughing and getting up all at once, she came all the way around to me and without warning, hugged me tight. This was not unusual, this was normal. She tickled under my chin lightly, so I laughed. Then she skipped back to where she had been sitting originally.

I loved her. We were not married, or a couple or anything. But, I loved her. She was like my sister. No cliché stereotypical, lines, but I honestly believed she was the closest to family I ever had.

I had no mother and no father, they had both died in a car crash three years ago along with a pedestrian, and they were driving. At the time when I was first notified, I remembered I was upset, but now? Nothing. I felt neither upset they had died nor anger. I felt nothing. I had pushed all memories of them into my unconscious. Repression: memories associated with strong negative emotions e.g a traumatic event, pushed down into the unconscious. We cannot access the unconscious however, it largely influences our behaviours and emotions. Freud was a very important part of my life.

“Sam, I need to tell you everything!” screamed Esme all of a sudden. It was so sudden that it made me choke on my pancake. I coughed mechanically; I felt my eyes bulging out of their sockets. “Oh. My. God.” Then she ran to open the tap, she accidentally put it on full blast and the water flied everywhere. Even though I was choking, I could hear her panicking. She tried again. This time she was successful and filled a plastic cup with hot water. Hot water! She ran back to give it to me. There was no time to complain, I was dying! I drank the boiling hot water, even though it burned my tongue, it was delicious! I felt better as if automatically.

I breathe a sigh of relief and Esme laughed. Not a cute babyish laugh, or a small giggle, but a full on laugh. She paused to take a breath to breath and started again, twice! So that made me smile and laugh as well.

The rest of breakfast time past with us jittering randomly, she never did tell me what it was she needed to tell me and I never did mention it again. I knew she would bring it up soon enough, especially if it was important. I was also curious about a lot of things and had so much to convey her about. But for now, it could wait. Just for a bit.

I had already forgiven her about last night. I don’t know why, I mean I should not have, should I? Of course not...she domestically abused me For God’s sake. But I could not find it in me to hurt her. She was more hurt than I ever was and ever hoped to be.

 'Cancer's a funny thing.

'Nobody knows what the cause is,

Though some pretend they do;

It's like some hidden assassin

Waiting to strike at you.

'Childless women get it.

And men when they retire;

It's as if there had to be some outlet

For their foiled creative fire.'

Audens words echoed inside of me.

I needed to get away, quick.

...

“Sammy, let me tell you, now.” I had escaped Esme twice today after she had said this phrase. But now, I could not. I was perched across our velvet settee watching the news whilst eating a cheese sandwich.