I can see you.

I Can See You (07)

The very same day, just two hours later. He winks at you, and you smile.

Sammy

Have you ever watched that movie? A Muppets Christmas, I think it is? With that stingy male figure Scrooge? You know? At the beggining we see him strolling down the deep slushy icy roads and alleyways to get to his home/ office, whilst the muppets- and practically everyone else, sing about him and his awful ways. Imagine how he felt.

Ever had that horrible feeling where you think everyones watching you? Judging you and waiting. Waiting for you to just mess up a little and then...

Boom.

. . .

The squishy yack noise I made after every step hurt my heart. It felt as if every step I was taking, was louder then the last and I was making more noise, disturbing the people around me. The sense of paranoia was new to me. It made me want to throw rocks at myself...and therefore hurting my heart; well of course I did not literally throw rocks at myself, but, in my head, a dozen had already been thrown at me, at my heart. Hurting me. I was hurt.

Apparently a consequence of the unknown (to me) events of the past two and a half weeks included paranoia.

I however, was still slow pace walking: worried I would fall and slip due to the icy conditions and the paranoia working inside of me. My face was rooted to my shoes watching each time as they touched the ground for brief seconds, repeatedly.

I could not take it anymore, so I froze.

My breathing increased and I felt my heart racing inside of me. As well as this my face was burning and I knew it would be a bright shade of red. A tomato. I am a tomato.

It took me a few seconds to realise the embarrasement of the situation. But also how it sort of felt...familar.

I giggled to myself, took a deep breath in, brang my chin up, shaped my fist into ball and walked on. I was 19 for Gods sakes. I cannot just give my life away, paranoia or no paranoia. I, I am Sammy.

I walked on, passing parents holding little kids. Pfft a primary school.

Indeed, it was an uncomfortable feeling but it had to be done.

I was brave and I wanted to go home. So,

I was doing just that.

I went around all the big public roads and all was fine. I was glad. I was so close to being home, succesfully. I had two more little roads to pass and I would be there.

It was much quieter here. Still a little chilly and icy. I wrapped myself to myself tighter. I pulled my hat down further and grabbed the two ends of the scarf and pulled. Ouch, too tight. So, I loosened it a little, but that felt worse. My neck was now exposed to the cool air, which was a bad thing. Especially seeing as I had apparently just come out of the hospital.

I saw an old mad walking my way and waved and smiled too him. Smiling is a form of charity!

I recognised him as my neigbour, Joe, the guy who lived in the room next door, with his wonderful wife, Jade, the only person to visit me at the hospital, well the only person I remember. This time my smile was genuinely real and actually reached my eyes. I was ready to give him a manly hug and pat on the back. I had not seen the old guy in a long time! He however, gave me reason not too.

He dropped what he was holding (a paper bag and walking stick) and glared at me...well it felt as if he was glaring through me, rather then at me. My smile began to slowly deteriorate.

He put up his left hand, showed me his palm as if it was a defence mechanism, shook his head and turned to cross the road walking away.

I was surprised to say the least. More so, annoyed.