I can see you.

I Can See You (06)

Whoever loves becomes humble, those who love have, so to speak, pawned a part of their narcissism. –Sigmund Freud

Its Friday twentieth January twenty- twelve just past 1pm. Its a cold snowy January day. Bigeath park sits resting beautifully. Dog owners throw frisbees at their dogs, and the dogs bark, chasing after them. A few adults are throwing snow at each other, having a snow ball fight. A toddler laughs to himself on the sandpit, which is now more of a snow pit, he watches his mother sleep on the bench beside him.

About two miles too the south of the park, he sits.

Sammy

Dear diary,

-Okay. Diary I have just bought you and you are now my friend. I shall call you Bob...or Bobby. Hi. Hi, Bobby. Bobby, I will share with you my deepest fears, deepest thoughts and in detail in script to you my experiences of everyday. In you I shall write everything.-

I tore the page out and started again.

-Dear diary,Its the twentieth of January, just past 1 pm. I have just been allowed to leave the St. Mitchells Bigeath Hospital. I have severe burns on my right leg, arm, shoulder and cheek. I have bruises covering every inch of my body and I feel like utter crap. I do not know how I have got to this situation, my memory betrays me. I was told I fell off two flights of stairs and rolled landed into a full length mirror. I was told this happened when I was at my sisters.

I have no sister...-

I turned over the page, looked up at the snowy sky, took a deep breath in, shut my eyes, felt a rush of adrenaline, quickly opened my eyes, straightened up and went back to writing.

-Bobby, I remember a girl. I dreamed of her yesterday. Bobby, I am not stupid, I have just come out of hospital and I have no idea to what. Or why. Or even when. I remember waking a few days ago and I remember the first thing that came in my head was an image of a girl. A small girl. A small girl wearing a pink jacket. Bobby, Im scared.-

I looked away from Bobby and looked to everything around me. I made an 180 degrees turn with my head to the right and then the left. There were a few people coming out of the Primary school straight ahead of me, a few old people walking there dogs and an old guy cyling. Other then that, I was alone.

So, once again I went back to Bobby.

-Bobby, I am sharing this with you, and you alone. I have just left hospital...so in everyones eyes I will look like a mad man telling them about this girl.-

Then I shut the notebook...diary. It was not exactly a diary as it did not have dates and sections specifically for each day, but meh, a diary it was.

I realised I had called my diary a Bobby. Haha. I felt so silly and stupid...for Gods sake, I was 19 and writing a diary. Haha. But I needed to, I actually needed to. It was not a matter of if I wanted to, no, I had to. I was scared.

I know something has happened. Or happening. Or will happen. I know it. It is not normal. You do not just come out of hospital with severe burns and bruises and expect to go on with life like nothing ever happened. And you most especially dont expect images of little girls to come into your head out of the blue!!

And so I am a nice person. I am writing a diary so as it can be a hell of a lot easier when this all..if at all gets to me any more and I feel I need to acquire myself a therapist. So I can pay him hundreds of pounds to sit and listen to my bullshine. Haha.

I realise however, I need to go on with life normally. Act natural. As if Im not dying of paranoia. Haha.

Earlier, I rang Esme -my cohabiting partner...well used to be partner, we were just living together now...it was cheaper that way. Plus, we both benefited. I rang her and told her I was coming home today and that I was sorry but that if she could stay off work for a few days to care for me, I told her I was ill. She had agreed and said she was going out to get a few movies to rent so as we could watch. It had made me smile and lightened my mood, just that little bit.I was glad that I had her, because, I had noone else. I honestly, literally had noone else.

It was actually really sad.

I am not trying to make you feel sympathetic towards me but I honestly had noone. Noone visited me at the hospital. Literally noone. Okay, well, an old lady, my neighbour had. But that is it. And to be honest she only came because she was passing by!! She is an old woman!!

I got off the bench I had been sitting on and started to make my journey home. By now the snow had stopped and it was raining. Not heavily, but, it was raining. The ground was slippery and soggy. Bleh. The rain landed in soft pelts against the bare skin on my head. Hmm, all I could think of was pathetic fallacy.

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