Natasha Romanoff one-shots (gxg)

My life is a mess(a vent post)

A photo of my kitty cuz this is sad

Warning: self harm, and depression, implied rape, mentions of suicide, child abuse. Let me know if there are more I need to add!

this was going to be a one shot but it kinda just turned into what it is. also i feel like its in the form of a one shot lol

my friend said writing is a good coping mechanism so that's why i wrote this.

Tom is not his real by the way just don't want people i know here to tell other people

Me venting cuz im tired of life. im also very aware i need therapy lol

its all over the place

I've struggled with self harm since I was 11 and it's gotten better over the years. I'm 15 now. I've had my lows and that's when I struggle with it most.

My self harm started when I learned I was different, and really started to think for myself. I got to form my own thoughts, feelings and opinions. I learned more about my family and really understood some things, especially my father and things he did.

The thing is I look exactly like my father, same eyes, same nose, same body build, same everything and i hate that. It makes me feel like a monster. It's even hard to look in the mirror on my bad days. I feel like I'm a reminder of my father. I feel as though I deserve it in some way.

My father never wanted kids, yet he's the only one who planned me and 2 of my other siblings. He always says he only wanted sons. And my brothers used that against me and my sisters. My mom is no help with that, she never comments and just says we were all surprises and then turns around saying it was our fault for being born. My moms got better now but still makes those jokes. Shes cut my dad off and has lost respect for him after the things hes done this year. Im not to fond of him now. I call him by his real name. Tom. A lot of shit has changed this year and still continue to change with covid and floods happening

I've relapsed 3 times just in this year, one being today. I needed release and i couldn't get the feeling of being a monster to go away so i just got the blade and did it. I didn't want to bother my friends with my problems and my family wasn't home(not that i would have actually gone to them). I learned not to the first time.

When my mom first found out i was self harming she humiliated me in front of everyone in my home, and made fun of me. I've just learned to hide it better now.

Tom didn't do anything the next time he saw me. Just ignored it like his daughter wasn't hurting her self to cope because of what hes done. What he denies to have done. i don't know how you can deny abusing your children when there was clear evidence. But im not a son so he doesn't care.

To Tom me and my siblings are chores that he does when he wants too. Its got worse now, I've found out all the lies he tells and the rumors he creates. Who he chose over his own kids. He always says we never let him explain, but hes never tried. And when we do, Its always  horrible excuses.

He doesn't know i cry at night because i think im just a chore to be done. Because i think im unlovable. He doesn't know on my worst days i cant even look in the mirror without feeling like a monster. He knows nothing, because hes chosen to. Hes said it himself more than once. Im not important.

The first time(i don't remember my specific age, but i think i was 7). i had gone to my psychiatrist and she said i wouldn't be able to see Tom if he didn't improve and all he said was "okay ill just only see the other kids". How can you even say that about you own child? That hurts to even think about because he was willing to give up on me so easily.

The second time is the most recent. I moved when i was 8. It requires travel of max 3 hours to come down. Me an my sibling did it for around 4 years. Yet when i had asked him to come over he simply asked me "why" like he didn't have 3 other children he needs to see. He then said "there's nothing important there, also its expensive Adi" like we're a job. (also he likes to bring his stupid girlfriend and there stupid dog so it cost a lot more than they really need to spend).

I don't think he stopped and really thought what those words would mean to his 15 year old daughter.

I've never felt loved or wanted by either of my parents. Im autistic so its even harder for me as i don't like physical touch from certain people. My mom has done the research and knows a lot about it so i assume she just doesn't care about it. Or me. She pays more mind to my other siblings, and now really just her grandson. I've just become background noise that she gets annoyed by. She always sighs when i start to talk. That's bound not to make a person feel the best.

She promises shes gonna do all these things to help me but never ends up following through on them. Im the forgotten twin as well as the forgot child. Im the black sheep. No one knows because id be called overdramatic. People think im emotionless person. Im not. I feel things. Word still affect me. I've just don't show people who will humiliate me for feeling and coping.

Words like troll, retard, and Chuckie's bride hurt when thrown at a little girl. They always say "oh im just joking so its okay" its not okay. They call me a retard because im autistic. they call me a troll and Chuckie's bride because of my hair which is caused by a condition i cant change even if i wanted to. Sometimes i do all because of there words.

They say "start loving yourself" but Its kinda hard to even try when your constantly told "you'll never make it" or "if she can do it as a retard you can too" or when they say "you'd be pretty if you just lost weight" or "don't cut you hair like that it'll make you look fat" they don't know i feel horrible eating because of those words. All that makes it feel pretty much impossible to love yourself.

It makes its a lot harder not to feel like a monster. Like im some unnatural thing that's feared.

i stay up late trying to tell myself that's not true. That im not a monster. That i don't need to change.  But i never think about it without crying myself to sleep because im in pain. They don't see that actions and words affect people.

Tom doesn't understand. My mom doesn't understand. My brothers don't understand. My sisters don't understand. None of them do.

They don't understand how it feels to be looked at like there a problem. They don't know i hurt myself because there word and actions actually hurt. They don't know what it feels like to think your a monster. They don't know how many times I've sat in my room in the dark crying talking myself down from killing myself with scissors, or all those suicide notes that I've ripped up because id rather be in pain then pass it on to them.

I may be broken but ill never stop fighting to stay for people who actually love and care about me.