The OSHA Violations of Hogwarts! Featuring America!

Chapter 1: You Want Me to What?

Warnings: Language, it's America and British people. You didn't expect this? Another warning, absolute stupidity that is the U.S. That's it, have fun ;)

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"You want me to what?"

America tilts his head to the side.

"It will only take a year, Mr. America. Even less, it's a school year in fact. Around 9 months, I presume."

The government official explains plainly to the American. His dark shades make him seem intimidating, yet his stature is shorter than your average 8th grader. Essentially, he looks like a preteen trying to act cool in front of his older brother's college friends.

"DUDE NINE MONTHS???!! WHAT ABOUT ALL THE ACTION I'M MISSING???"

With an exasperated and ignited face, the American stands up and rants about the dumb things he'll miss from this project he's assigned to. When compared to his life, it seems rather short in retrospect. It's nine months, America. Not a millennium. You're 200-something years old.

"What about the cool, new Mario Brothers game coming out?? I was gonna hang at Japan-dude's place and have a rad time! With me as Mario of course! What about the cool songs coming out?? I CAN'T MISS OUT ON THE NEW TRENDS!! What do the people in Britain have? JACK SHIT! They have Freddie Mercury and the Beatles!!! We have MICHAEL JACKSON!!! Do they even HAVE MCDONALD'S IN HOGWARTS?? NO? EXACTLY!!!"

The official is tuning out at this point, he's used to his incoherent ramblings. The only consistent about him is his inconsistencies. He attempts to reason with the now distressed nation.

"Sir, you are the only one in this country with experience with magic and impenetrability! Wouldn't it be 'rad' to see this magic?"

The official's getting desperate, attempting to at least grab hold of America's attention to something other than video games or new shows. It was practically impossible to say anything at all when the nation explodes into a tangent.

"Magic is totally bogus, dude. England gave me this floating collar thingie and called it a fucking unicorn. It was totally SCARY!! Like a floating collar?? I can't punch it! It's a ghost collar..."

The official just stares agape at this man who went through a rollercoaster of emotions. He had to use a tactic that would convince America to do whatever they needed wanted him to do when he went into...um...what would you even call it? Whiny little baby mode.

"This would a great opportunity to find blackmail on England, finding faults in his so-called, 'Perfect school'."

A tactic slightly less effective against the American; that or food. But, they can't afford another McDonald's raid. Not after what happened last week. He shudders. There was...so much...ketchup...

"Hmmmmmmmmmmm...I do likey some blackmail...I can still bring my Gameboy to Hogwarts, right? Dude, I would totally die if I can't use my Gameboy! Like, I haven't finished playing Yoshi and it's absolutely killing dude!"

America, slightly less agitated, holds up his Game Boy and waves it violently in front of the government official's face. His million-dollar grin lit up as he shows what levels he has already completed with a confident, almost arrogant, air around him. The official didn't dare tell him about Hogwart's device malfunctioning barrier, which disables any modern electronics; he didn't dare interrupt America's instant willingness to take up the task. What a fucking moron. He sighs, guiltily, and hands wide-eyed America a piece of parchment.

"I received this letter to you from the headmaster of Hogwarts himself. He'll meet you at this location tomorrow. Please don't be late sir, it would be an embarrassment of us if the embodiment of a superpower arrived late to an important meeting..."