Do You Have Regrets? (Levi x Reader)

Chapter 9: Party Drama

Y/n's POV:

    My eyes fluttered open, and I squinted from the sun shining into the room. I looked to my side and suddenly remembered how I had begged Levi to stay with me last night. He was still there, I was laying my head on his chest. His arm was still wrapped around my waist. He was warm and I felt like I could have laid with him forever. Levi was breathing softly and his mouth was slightly opened. I sat up, without disturbing him, and glanced at his tranquill face. If Levi looked perfect when he was awake then asleep Levi was something out of this world. His cold stare melted into a relaxed face. His perfect skin gleamed in the sun and I wanted to kiss him so bad. I looked at his soft lips and smiled. I gently brought my hand to his forehead and brushed his hair aside. His eyebrows furrowed slightly. I removed my hand quickly and continued to marvel at his beauty. My heart was beating so fast, my face was flushed. I felt my stomach doing somersaults, and all achiness in my body from my injuries was gone. Looking at him made me feel whole, laying with him made me feel alive. I touched his cold, slender hand and felt a shiver run through my body. 'Oh God' I thought. I was really falling for him. I kept my hand on his and I smiled. Why did he have to be so perfect? Suddenly Levi opened his eyes and stared at me. I quickly drew my hand from his and gave him a sheepish smile. He looked confused and then he slowly rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. "Good Morning" I said to him, smiling. "Good morning, how are you feeling?" he said in a groggy, morning voice. My breath hitched and my heart pounded into my chest. "I- I'm doing ok." I stammered. He nodded and sat up in bed. "Thank you for staying last night, Levi." I said quietly while looking down. Then I looked up at him and he was looking at me. His eyes looked hurt and I held a concerned face. "It was nothing, Ava," he said coldly. I felt my heart ping in pain. It almost sounded like he was saying it meant nothing to him at all. No, that was for sure what he was saying. He stood from the bed and grabbed his jacket and shoes. Levi silently put both on and left without saying goodbye. I still sat in bed. I was confused. 'Last night he said he would be there, always. What happened?' I thought as I started picking at the skin on my bottom lip. It was a terrible habit I had, when I was anxious. I sat in bed, injuring my lip while overthinking everything. Until I finally decided to get up. I wiped the blood from my, now sore, lip and got up. I somehow managed to get my uniform on, without hurting my arm too badly. Once I was dressed, a nurse entered my room. 'Oh, Captain Zettle, I'm afraid you aren't discharged yet. You can't leave." Said the nurse sweetly. I glared at her. Levi had ruined my good mood. "Well too bad, I'm leaving" I said coldly as I pushed past the nurse. "Ma'am please!" She yelled after me as I walked down the hall. I ignored her and headed to the mess hall. Today was a day off for everyone. I had no one to train anyway, well besides Levi. I really didn't want to see him. After what he said, I didn't want to admit it but it really hurt me. He was starting to mean a lot to me and that comment reminded me that it was only something I was feeling. I knew from the beginning I was doomed, there was no way he could ever like me. It took everything in me not to cry when I walked into the mess hall. I remembered all the breakfasts I shared with Isabel. All the laughs and smiles and how I was the happiest I had ever been with her. I glanced at my usual table in the corner. I saw where I normally sat, and then where Isabel always sat. I knew I couldn't sit there, not today I just couldn't bear it. I just grabbed a piece of stale bread and exited the mess hall. I walked to my secret roof. Once I arrived, I was free to express my emotions. I sat on the edge of the roof. Slowly eating my bread and crying softly. It was a dreary day, the sun was barely visible behind the clouds. It looked like it was going to rain. I used to love the rain, but now it just reminded me of losing Isabel and Farlan. The image of Isabel's head, lying on the ground, covered in blood ran through my head. I sobbed, I couldn't even bury her. I had nothing left, except memories. I knew my mother was right. She was always right. When I was younger she used to tell me many things that I usually didn't believe. I should have trusted her, everything she always said seemed to be right. I was thinking about one thing in particular she told me. She said, "Ava, dear, remember life is always going to take more than it gives to you. Everyday is going to be a struggle, and at the end of it all. There are no happy endings, just sad endings with happy memories." I know it is a pretty morbid thing to say to a child, but you can't sugarcoat life. It just sucks, and now I know she was right. All I had left were happy memories. I was starting to think my life was turning around, that I could finally be happy. But now I knew I would never be that lucky. I finished my bread and wiped my tears away. Then I left my secret sanctuary and headed to my shared room with Hange. I was really hoping she wasn't in there. I felt my breathing become heavy and I knew what I had to do at a time like this. I was to blame for all the heartache I felt. But this also affected Levi, he was sad too. It was all my fault. I opened the door to my room and thankfully Hange wasn't there. I locked the door behind me, and made sure no one could get in, even with a key. I went to my bed and sat down. I took off my jacket and threw it on the floor. I was softly crying and I opened the drawer on my bedside table. I grabbed the small blade, which I kept concealed inside. I had done this so many times before, it was the only thing I could do to ease the pain. I pulled my arm out of its sling. I could move it, but it hurt badly when I did. It seemed I couldn't feel anything at all though. I rolled up my sleeve and looked at the inside of my forearm. All the scars from years past had faded. Hange had helped me stop about two years ago. I took the blade in my right hand and brought it down to my left forearm. I pressed it down and dragged it along my arm. Leaving a crimson stain. There was pain for a moment and then it was gone. I sighed and continued up my arm. Lines of blood flowed down my skin. I was softly sobbing and cursing myself. 'I should be dead. It should be me. I don't deserve to be here. Kill me, just kill me already' my head was screaming at me. I dropped the crimson blade and stared at my arm. I ran my hands over the fresh cuts and I smiled to myself. I was proud, I was proud I was hurting. I deserved it. I deserved to be dead, and one day when I was brave enough I would finally go through with it. I was a monster, the worst of the worst. I mean who would be happy that they hurt themselves. I grabbed a towel from my bathroom and cleaned the blood off my arm. Then I put my blade back and my jacket back on. I was no longer crying, I felt numb. I unlocked the door and sat on my bed. I put my injured arm back in my sling. Next to me sat my sketch book, I often drew when I was bored. It helped me escape reality. I was a pretty skilled artist. I grabbed the book and a pencil. I went to my desk and lit my candle. It was quite dark outside, due to the storm clouds. I began to sketch. First the head, then the body. No imperfections. I had a clear image of her in my mind. I could never forget her face. Her soft eyes, her beautiful smile, her cute hair always in two ponytails. After about two hours I decided I was done. I looked at my finished sketch. It looked just like Isabel. My eyes started watering and I flipped the page. I started with the same steps as before. This time I thought of his soft, blonde hair, and calm sky, blue eyes. He always wore the sweetest smile that could always cheer me up. An hour and a half later I finished my sketch of Farlan. He looked just as I remembered. I knew I would never forget them. I wiped the stray tears from my eyes and glanced at the time. Lunch was being served in the mess hall. I had no appetite. I decided I would go get water. I looked at myself in the mirror before I left. My hair was disheveled and my eyes were red and puffy. My nose was red from my sniffling and the bags under my eyes were atrocious. I didn't have the energy to fix anything about the way I looked. I just sighed and left my room. I headed to the mess hall, got my water and went to my table. I sat there quietly, alone. I felt tears well up in my eyes when I looked in the spot Isabel usually occupied. I closed my eyes and when I opened them I saw her sitting there. She was smiling at me. I looked across from her and Farlan was giving me his usual sweet smile. "Isabel?!" I exclaimed and she smiled and nodded at me. Her green eyes were full of life and her smile was breathtaking. "We missed you, Ava!" Isabel said happily and Farlan nodded. "Oh, I missed you guys too." I said crying. "I'm so sorry" I looked down at the table. "I should have been there." When I looked back up Isabel and Farlan were gone. "Isabel?! Farlan?!" I shouted. Suddenly everything started spinning and flashing. I heard Isabel screaming and I saw her head on the ground. I walked towards it and when I looked down she was crying. It was just her head and she was screaming and crying. "Ava! Ava! Please help me! Please!" she was screaming at me. I was crying, "I-Isabel I d-don't know how!" Then she was gone and I turned all around, looking for her. Then I saw Farlan. He was falling from the sky. I ran towards him, but I couldn't make it in time. He hit the ground and I went to him. It was only the upper half of his body and he was crying out in pain. "Ava! Please! Where is Isabel, where is Levi! I can't- HELP!" He was frantically screaming. I was trying to comfort him, but I was crying too much. Suddenly he disappeared too and I was left sobbing on the ground. I brought my knees to my chest and sobbed into them. Suddenly I jerked up and opened my eyes. I was back at my table, and tears were running down my face. I looked around and saw many eyes on me. A very worried Hange was hanging onto my arm. "Ava, are you ok?" Hange questioned. I looked at her, then around at everyone staring at me. I ripped my arm out of her grasp, "I'm fucking fine." I said harshly. Then I stood up, "What the hell are you fuckers looking at? Go back to your god damn miserable lifes, bastards." I glared at everyone and walked out of the mess hall. I walked to my room and slammed the door. I bent over my desk and held my face in my hand. 'What the hell was that?' I thought. I had no idea why my mind was playing tricks on me, but I hated it. A few moments later I heard the door open. Hange walked in. "Ava, are you ok?" she asked me softly and I heard her sit on her bed. I turned to her and sat on my own bed, facing across from her. I shook my head no. She came over and embraced me and I leaned into her soft touch. "Hange" I said in a broken voice. "I don't know what to do, they are dead. They were my responsibility and now they are dead." "Sweetheart, that was just a shitty mission. You did everything you could." That was somewhat of a comfort to me, Hange could always make me feel better. "I really hurt Levi. Hange, I really did. They were his family and I tore them apart." She looked at me sadly. "Ava, it's not your fault. The titans tore his family apart. Not you and I'm sure Levi doesn't blame you." Then she looked angry. "He didn't say he blamed you did he?" she questioned aggressively. I shook my head no and she seemed to calm down. "I would never want to hurt Levi. I really care about him." I said quietly, smiling. I saw Hange smile. "What is this? You care about him?" Hange said giggling. I started to laugh with her. "I think I do. I just, he makes me feel alive. He even stayed with me last night." I smiled at the thought and I heard Hange silently squealing. I frowned. "But I messed that up somehow. He told me that it meant nothing." I sighed, then smiled at Hange. She looked a little concerned with me. "I'm fine, trust me." She nodded. About a week and a half passed and I never talked to Levi. In fact, I rarely talked to anyone. I would sometimes say a few words to Hange, and I never really left my room. When I did leave my room, it was for meals or to train. I still didn't have a new squad so it was just me and Levi. I only told him what to train and then didn't say anything else. Sometimes we would spar together, but that's the closet form of contact we shared. I continued to relieve my pain, by cutting myself and I was satisfied for the time being. Erwin had asked me how I was doing and I said I was fine. He informed me that soon Shadis was going to be stepping down and that he would become Commander. I was happy for him, well as happy as I could be. Overall I just sat in my room and read or drew. I was starting to have a collection of drawings. Mostly of Isabel and Farlan, but there were also a couple of Erwin and Hange. There was even one of myself and a few of Levi. I knew Hange was worried about me, and she had reason to be, but I wouldn't let her help me. I guess after a week she had had enough of me moping around because she told me, "Ava, my dear! I know exactly what will cheer you up... drinking! I have lots of alcohol and lots of time. Tonight we are having a party." I shrugged and I guess she took that as a yes, because next thing I know it's after dinner and I'm in the mess hall drinking. Hange had invited; Erwin, Moblit, Miche, and Levi. I knew all of them pretty well, beside Miche. He was the second Section Commander with Erwin. His skills were just under mine. He was actually very nice. I really wanted to talk to Levi, but he looked really annoyed that he was at the "party." I decided I was going to have a few drinks before I talked to him. I honestly lost count of how much I drank that night, but I was tipsy when I decided to try and talk to Levi. Everyone seemed to be having a good time, well beside Levi. He had a few drinks, but didn't seem to be getting drunk at all. Hange was singing random songs at the tops of her lungs and dancing. Erwin was laughing at her, along with Miche. Moblit was desperately trying to get Hange off the table, and when he failed he downed his drink and sighed. I laughed lightly at the sight. "AHHH GUYS!" Hange screamed. Levi looked really annoyed by how loud she was and I laughed at him. He just glared at me. "We should play truth or dare! I know it's a kid game, but come on!" Hange suggested and we all agreed. Everyone but Levi who reluctantly joined at the table. Everyone was tipsy and continued to drink. "Ok, I'll go first." Hange said laughing. I just hoped this game would end soon so I could talk to Levi. "Erwin, truth or dare?" Hange asked drunkenly. Erwin thought for a moment. "Truth." "Pussy!" She yelled and I laughed. "Ok, ummm you have to answer truthfully." Erwin nodded. "HA! I got a good one! Have you ever masturbated while thinking of anyone here in this room?" I looked at Erwin and he was blushing. Hange and a few others were laughing their asses off. Levi still looked annoyed, but a little amused. "I- well- I umm... yes." Erwin answered very quietly. I was shocked and Hange looked shocked as well. "WHAT?!" She yelled. "WHO?!" I was laughing and Erwin looked mortified. He just shook his head and didn't answer. "Ok. Um- uh it's my turn. Ava truth or dare?" He asked and I turned to him. "Truth." I said. "UGHHH" "Bitch hush." I replied to Hange's groan and she just laughed. "Who was your first kiss?" I wasn't shocked that he asked that. I tried to think, many men had kissed me before along with other things. But it's not like I liked what they were doing. Well if all of them were out of the mix, then that left Hange. "Um- Hange was." I finally said. Everyone looked shocked, even Levi. Hange just smiled and chuckled. "Wait, what?" Moblit asked, he looked very confused. "Ava, does that mean you are well- I mean-" Erwin started, but I cut him off. "I answered the question and I can kiss whoever I want. Ok? This isn't some discussion on whether I like pussy or dick so stop right there." I said, even though I was drunk I knew where my ideas laid. I didn't like to discuss things like that. Everyone nodded their heads and I swear I saw Levi smirking and trying not to laugh. "My turn!" I sang and I thought of who to ask. "Levi," he glared at me. "Truth or dare?" I asked while taking another sip of my drink. "No." "Levi-" I sang. "Please!" "Tch, fine truth." "AWWW THAT'S NO FUN!" shouted Hange. "Shut it four-eyes." said Levi coldly and I laughed along with everyone. "Who is your favorite person in this room?" I asked playfully. Levi scowled. "No one." He said lowly. "Levi, that's not an answer. Answer the question, now." I said sternly. He looked at me, then smirked. "You, Captain Ava" He said in a monotone voice. I smirked. "I like it when you call me that." Then I winked at him and he rolled his eyes. Hange was dying of laughter and Moblit was trying to calm her. Erwin looked very uncomfortable and Miche was sleeping with his head on the table. I bit my lip slightly then turned away from Levi. I downed the rest of my drink and poured myself more. "Four-eyes, truth or dare?" "OOOO DARE!" Hange said drunk and excitedly. Levi smirked and his eyes darted to me, then back to Hange. " I dare you to makeout with Ava, for a minute." My eyes widened and I saw Hange laugh and agree. I looked at Erwin and he looked nervous. Moblit was blushing and I'm sure I was too. I downed my drink, poured yet another, and Hange came up to me. She sat down on the bench next to me, and whispered into my ear. "Been a while, I think I forgot how good you taste." I felt my cheeks heat up even more. I bit my lip and turned to Hange. Her soft lips collided with mine before I knew it. We moved in sync and I wrapped my arm around her neck. My other hand, now fully healed, was in her hair. Her arms wrapped around me. I explored her sweet cavity with my tongue. And just to give the boys watching a little show, I moaned into her mouth. I heard a glass slam on the table and opened my eyes to see Erwin rushing out. Levi was smirking and Moblit was drinking. Hange bit my lip softly and I moaned, although this time it was not intentional. I closed my eyes again. We broke for air and then quickly returned to the warmth of our embrace. Her hands were running down my body and it excited me. I closed my eyes and imagined Levi. His tongue down my throat. His hands all over me, touching every inch of my body. Hange started to kiss along my jawline and I thought of Levi still. His pale lips grazing my hot skin. Hange suckled at one spot on my jaw and again I unconsciously moaned. "Le- '' I stopped myself, I almost moaned his name while making out with Hange. I have never done that before, and he was in the room. I opened my eyes and looked at him. His eyes were wide and I thought I saw him blushing. I was blushing like crazy. "Ok, that's enough" Levi stated and returned to his normal cold face. Hange reluctantly pulled away and giggled. 'God, I hope he didn't hear me' I thought. Hange returned to her seat and started talking to Moblit. Both of them still drinking. I took a few more sips of my drink and looked at Levi. "You perv. What wanted to see us makeout cause it turns you on or some shit?" I asked, more than a little tipsy. He just chuckled, which I didn't think I'd ever seen him do, but I was drunk so I wasn't really thinking straight. "Levi." He looked at me. "Why have you been avoiding me?" I asked. I had wanted to ask him this for a bit now. He scowled and then sighed. "You caught on huh?" He questioned and I nodded. "Fuck." He cursed and looked down at the table. It seemed like he was collecting his thoughts. Then he looked at me. "Listen. I can't be around you ok? I don't care for you." He said harshly. I was shocked and hurt. 'He didn't like me? Then why did he say he would be there for me?' "What do you mean, what did I do?" I asked, a little broken. "Look, you remind me of Isabel too much. It's too painful to be around you. You have her eyes and everytime I look at you I see her dead body and I can't do it. You make me sick, I never want to see you." He said harshly. I felt tears well in my eyes. 'I reminded him of Isabel, and he never wanted to see me?' I caused him pain, I knew he didn't like me. "Levi I-" "Don't say anything, I can't stand your voice. Just don't fucking try to find me ok. I regret ever meeting you." He interrupted me. Then Levi grabbed his drink and downed it. Then he left the mess hall. I sat there shocked for a moment, tears threatening to spill. Then I slammed my glass on the table. I grabbed the bottle of alcohol and started to drink. I didn't need a fucking glass, a broken heart calls for the whole bottle. Hange and Moblit looked at me worriedly. Miche was still asleep. "Ava are you-" I cut Hange off. "Nothing, just that short motherfucker is dead to me. God I can't believe I ever thought I liked him. HE'S A SMALL DICK BASTARD!" I yelled and continued to chug the bottle. About thirty minutes later, the bottle was almost gone and Hange and I were completely wasted. We were singing and clinging onto each other. Moblit finally convinced us to go to bed. We walked down the halls and to our room. "HAHAHA!" We were laughing loudly as we entered our room. I fell onto the bed and Hange fell onto hers. Before too long I was passed out, along with my crazy roommate. As much as I hated it, Levi meant a lot to me. And now that I knew he hated me, well I knew I was gonna have to hate him. What a great night, what a way to cheer me up Hange.