Christmas Lights

7.

I knew better than to break the silence...but I couldn't take the tugging in my chest that compelled me to say something. I knew I was the last person on the earth to be consoling her, especially when I hadn't even begun to face my own demons...but she was hurting. And something in me didn't want her to hurt.

"You know." I finally mumbled "Someone once told me that sometimes you just have to talk to get it out."

She gave me a sideways glance and half a smile as she sighed "Really, I'm fine...it was a long time ago."

"Maybe so." I nodded as I weaved through the long main highway towards the cabin "But in my experience, when the past comes and slaps you in the face it still hurts."

"True." She chuckled "But from what I saw, he was the one getting the smack in the face."

"You didn't think I'd leave you hanging did I? A damsel in distress?"

"Honestly?" she sighed "I don't know what to think anymore."

"Okay." I said "Can you at least tell me how the hell someone as beautiful as you wound up with a loser like that?"

She snorted and shook her head "He wasn't always a loser. I met him in college, he was a Veterinarian major and I was a struggling student with a dog I couldn't feed. My mother hated him, so I knew right off the bat I'd marry him just for vengeance sake. The dog got cancer and died, and he asked me out on a date...things were good for a while. We had Charlie two years after we got married....then his first year of Vet School he got a bad dog bite, he was okay but he kept needing pain pills...I actually felt bad for him, I thought he was in constant pain. But then I kept finding all these empty bottles around the house, some that didn't even have his name on them. He'd stay in bed for days at a time and get cranky if he ran out. I had a son to take care of so I just ignored him...I thought about leaving him when I found out I was pregnant with Kennedy. But turns out I didn't need to. I came home from a hard days' work to find him half naked on the living room floor with a naked crack whore. I kicked her out and told him he had to choose, us or the drugs..." she sniffled and wiped away more tears "He left and never looked back. I filed for divorce, and was glad Washington only needs one party's signature....anyways, it was a long time ago."

"I'm sorry." I consoled her "You didn't deserve that...and he was stupid for choosing a substance over you."

"Yeah well..." she sniffled, then let out a giggle "I have to say it felt kind of good to see him laid out on the ground...how's your hand?"

"I'm fine." I lied, it was a little sore.

She smiled graciously and sighed "I shouldn't be crying over it...it's just-it's hard, you know. To see someone you once loved, someone who used to be so great in your eyes...now look so totally deteriorated down to nothing."

I felt as if the wind had been knocked out of me as I felt that one hit too close.

"That I do know." I gulped, she looked over at me as if she knew what I meant.

"Your turn." She said.

With as much as I wanted to ignore her, to tell her again that I was fine-I knew better, and the woman had just bared a few of her demons to me...I had to at least let her peek at mine.

My dad had a brain tumor for the last five years. For obvious reasons I couldn't be his doctor, but I sought out the best ones and practically hovered over their treatment of him. It would start to go away, at least to the point of being operable when all the sudden it wasn't. I got impatient and finally found a doctor who said they thought they could get it out..."

"You were trying to save him." She said "You weren't in the wrong, you can't blame yourself.."

"I killed him." I choked out harshly, "I...killed him. I talked him into the surgery, I told him that it was a sure bet, that he would be cancer free if he listened to me-but when they got in there, the cancer was too far gone, worse than the CT scans and MRI's told us...he stroked out on the table and died in the first hour." I pressed my lips together and gulped at my hidden tears, "If he hadn't have listened to me chances are, he would still be alive. This might be his last Christmas, but at least we'd know it...at least we'd get to say goodbye. So you see-I can't not blame myself; it is my fault, he's dead because of me-I killed him."