Christmas Lights

10.

Morning started to fill the downstairs rooms as I laid awake still, sitting on the couch, and I still had no answers for the way I felt. All I knew was that Addison was my past, and Meredith was my future. Yet I didn't know how to explain it in the words I felt I needed to say. I felt like I needed to make a grand gesture of some kind, yet I still didn't know what I did wrong.

Perhaps it was a cluster-fuck of things that the choices of my life had brought on me.

I heard footsteps stirring upstairs and panicked as I wasn't ready to face either of them. I couldn't' speak to Addison without upsetting Meredith. And I couldn't speak to Meredith without upsetting her even more.

I needed some fresh air.

I got up off the couch and pulled my shoes on, donned my coat and walked my ass out the door-heading straight for the woods, hoping to hell I didn't get lost. I found the closest trail I could and followed that, all the way through the woods until I came to a clearing on the top of a hill that overlooked lake Chelan. I breathed in the crisp fresh air as I watched the mist rise up off the lake and a flock of birds land on top of the glassy water.

And right then, in that moment. I would give anything in the world to share that moment with her.

Was I wrong in feeling that way? Was it all that disturbing to feel as if I'd fallen in love over a matter of days? You hear the stories...but you never see them in real life. I'd spent a decade loving a woman I couldn't stand to be around for more than three day's time, yet the one I couldn't seem to separate myself from was under my nose all this time.

I wanted her...I wanted her now more than ever.

But how?

I felt my concrete heart crumble a little more as my heart started to beat rapidly and I thought about her standing right in front of me.

"I love you." I breathed...I felt a chunk of concrete fall off and plummet into my gut "I love you!" I said a little louder, the crumbling continued as I felt my heart beat even faster.

I finally lifted my arms up into the air and shouted at the top of my lungs.

"I LOVE YOU MEREDITH GREY!"

I heard birds take off and squawk at the loud shout, as creatures ran for cover. But as the forest quieted around me I felt as if I had a new heart thrumming inside my chest. Calloused and bruised, but for the first time since my dad got sick...I felt like I was actually capable of something greater than myself.

I had to tell her...I had to tell her now.

It doesn't really feel like Christmas at all

"Meredith!" I shouted as I leaped up the front steps of the cabin "Meredith!"

I dashed through the living room, barely noticing a blur of people sitting on the couches as I bounced up the stairs after not seeing her in the room. I felt my heart about to explode with the implosion of words it had to vomit out. I almost crashed into the door as I flung it open, ready to spew the words from my lips-yet was caught short as I noticed an empty room.

My heart suddenly calmed enough for me to breath as I looked around and noticed it completely and totally empty-as if no one had been in there at all. Her stuff, the kids stuff...it was gone. The only thing left touched was a white piece of paper on lying in the freshly pressed quilt, I gulped as I stepped in and picked it up...

Derek-
I'm sorry...but this just isn't going to work. I can't do this anymore, nothing against you, or your family. You're all wonderful. But sometimes you have to realize that there are things bigger than you, and I want you to be happy. So I hope you use this season to make amends and choose forgiveness. For what it's worth, you made this Christmas one we'll never forget. Don't worry, since I'm the one pulling out of this deal I won't expect anything back, so I'll have my letter of resignation on your desk come Monday morning.
Best of luck, Meredith + kids