Locked Eyes

22. Genevieve

"Are you ready?" Papa asks me, I grip the folded letter in my hands and nod.

"Yeah," I breathe out, already feeling lighter by the second. Today was the day I say goodbye to my parents, I never thought this day would come only because I was never ready to say goodbye. I know after this, I'll still feel lost and that's okay, life is about finding who you are, and sometimes you have fun moments thrown into it.

It's a warm and breezy summer night, the sun is getting ready to set. Nana and Papa stand beside me. Everyone else was back at the house but I wanted to do this just with my grandparents, I felt like they are also saying goodbye and we are all moving on together. "I'm ready," I confirm, Nana smiles at me and pats my forearm.

"Dear Mom and Dad," I begin. It took me weeks to write this letter because every other sentence I would be crying, my therapist assured me that crying was actually okay and I didn't have to hold it in, I wasn't expected to hold it in but I had forced myself to for years.

"I know I talk to you almost every week but this time it's different. I know wherever you guys are, you are looking over us, all of us," I smile at my grandparents gently before turning to the headstone again. "I hope that you guys are proud because all I ever want to do is make you proud. You guys have been my sense of sanity these past few years but you've also been my trigger. I'm not doing well and I haven't been doing well and this is one of the first times I am saying that out loud and as painful as it is to confess that, it's the truth and I have been pushing back the truth for years. I want to get better," I blink clutching the paper tightly as I begin to tear up. "And I can't get better until I let you go."

I let out a shaky sigh and brush my hair behind my ear "You guys are the reason why I continue to see the light at the end of the day, you are the reason why I notice the little things because your death taught me not to take any little thing for granted. I miss your warm hugs and Mom's kisses. I miss when we would dance around on Saturday mornings and make pancakes. I miss Dad's terrible reenactments of Disney princess movies, I miss mom's rough but smooth on the inside hands. I miss being able to look around a dinner table and smile at how wonderful and right my family felt. I miss you guys," I choke out. I squeeze my eyes shut and sigh.

I take a couple of deep breathes before reopening my eyes, "It sucks that I will only have memories of you guys when you should be here with me. It sucks that there will be one day in the future that I won't think about you, that's what I worry the most, that I will forget about you. Papa told me that no one could ever forget you two because I have every good part of you in me," I look up at Papa with teary eyes and he smiles.

"I've missed you over these past years, you should have been there to see me go to my first school dance, dad should have taught me how to drive a car, be there for my senior prom and listen to me whine about no more pictures, see me walk across the stage as I graduated high school and so much more," I shake my head, I had realized that I lost my parents but they also lost to see all my life achievements. "I wish you were here for every mother's and Father's Day, especially when I was in elementary school." I sigh.

Those moments hurt but my grandparents never failed to show up for special events like that, I am forever grateful to them.

"There is nothing more I would ever want in life than to have you to be alive and with me but I know that can't happen because you can't love someone back to life, no matter how hard you try," I choke out, I wipe the fallen tears. "But I'm okay, I'm more than okay and it's taken me years to realize that. I have Nana and Papa, and they may not be you guys," I joke nudging my grandparents who grin, "but they are here and they are always here for me whenever I need them and we have each other, we'll be okay," I nod, Nana squeezes my forearm gently.