Hold On To Him | Jonas Brothers

Chapter 12

Hello hello!

This chapter is one big trigger warning. Drug abuse.

If you got a dog, one like Nick has now in the book, how would you name him?

Frankie's P.O.V.
I don't know how I got here. My eyes are probably red from crying. I can't say for sure though because I haven't checked it in the mirror.

I have locked myself in my room. I'm on my bed. A tiny case in front of me. The contents of the case scare me. A lot. I'm scared of myself. Of what I'm capable of doing to myself.

I've never done this before. I feel like it can help me. I was upset. Still am.

A nice distraction used to be enough, but now it isn't enough anymore. I don't know why I'm doing this. I don't even remember getting the contents in the tiny case. Well, of course I remember, I was scared out of my mind.

At least now I'm in the safe space called my room. I hope no one's going to interrupt me.

I open the tiny case, seeing the contents roll around in it by the movement of the case.

If someone ever finds out I did this to myself, I will be killed. There's no doubt questioning that.

I still wonder if this is the right thing to do. I know it's not and it never will be, but right now I feel like this is the only thing that can ease my mind. Even if it's just for now.

Why do I want to do this so bad when I know what it does to a person?

I think I'm not quite right in the mind tonight.

I was supposed to stay over at Kevin's a night ago, but with what happened to Joe, we postponed it till tomorrow.

He won't be here tonight, neither will Joe as he is still in the hospital. Mom, dad, Pippa or Nick can be the only ones to interrupt me.

It's after midnight, so I guess I'm safe for now.

Looking inside the case, I see the things I need. There are a couple of things actually. Maybe if I like it, I can use more later on.

There are a couple of syringes. A couple bags with white powder and more than a couple of pills. All different sizes and colors. I know exactly what what is. I've done some thorough research up front.

I don't want to end my life. Not right now. I'm not that stupid.

I pick up one of the pills. It feels so wrong, but so right at the same time. The feeling of the pill between my fingers, knowing exactly what kind of power it holds.

I don't know what it's going to do to me. I know what it can do to a person, but who's to say it will do exactly that to me. For all I know it might knock me out till tomorrow afternoon.

Before I can even think of changing my mind, I take the pill up to my mouth. I take a sip of water and it's gone. There's no going back now.

I took it and I can't undo it.

Slowly, I packed up the things and put them back in the case. What I took is going to be in my system for hours.

I put the case away for now, not knowing exactly what's going to happen with me.

If someone does end up breaking down the door, at least they won't find that on my bed with me.

What if this is the new me now? What if I get dependant on these things to get me through life.

Oh God. What if they find out? Will they put me away? Will they disown me? No one to turn to?

Maybe I should go so they don't have to make that decision for me.

NO!

I shouldn't think like that. They love me. Don't they?

At the very least they will put me in some inpatient program to recover. Right? They will help me. Right?

What if I'm wrong about all of the above? I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know where I'm going to go.

All I know is that right now, in this moment, I couldn't wish for anything else. My mind is slowly draining its thoughts and I feel myself getting floatier by the minute.

This is what I wanted. Right?

I lie down on the bed. Tears formed in my eyes, but I refuse to let them go.

Maybe I should let them go, you know. Get it all out of my system while I'm like this. I know it's helped other people. If I bottle it up now, chances are I will let them go once the drugs wear off.

That's not what I want. I wanted this to have some time to myself. An hour at the very least where all I have to think about is myself. No Kevin. No Joe. No Nick and no Pippa. Is that too much to ask? Or am I selfish for thinking that.

Maybe I am selfish. I mean, I'm selfish for getting myself into this and creating another problem for our family to solve.

I know I'm going to do this more often. This feels nice.

A smile made its appearance on my face.

I feel blissful.

This was a terrible idea, but it feels so good. So nice.

I think I'm going to do this more often. I'm sure of it. I need to make sure no one ever finds out.

I don't want anyone to take this from me. I want to feel like this all the time. Can I make that happen?

I do think someone is going to notice me being high if I were to be high all the time.

So that's a no go. Sadly.

I pull my blanket over me, more than welcoming the warmth it's giving me.

I wish for this night to never end.

I wrap myself in a nice cocoon, making me feel save and harbored. I wish for this to be in my mum's arms.

She always makes me feel save when she holds me. But she's not here right now. She's somewhere else in the house and no matter how much I would like for her to hold me, I'm not going to ask for it, because it will only raise suspicion.

Thinking about my mom makes me feel sad again.

Maybe I should take a nap. I feel like I could use some sleep.

Let me know if you liked it!