Change Your Ticket

Complicating doubts

Harry's POV

I can't give in now. I shouldn't give in. But it feels so good. It's like our bodies are instinctively gravitating towards one another. Nonetheless, this stupid phone call is just too upsetting to just forget about. The mere thought of Zayn being like this with a beautiful girl has me doubting myself and making me not only jealous and self-conscious, but also angry. I mean, did he really need to pick up the phone, if he knew she was the one calling?

On the other hand, wouldn't I have done the same, if I were in his place? But then again, he said that he loved me...Did he truly mean that? Or do I have to doubt that as well? Because of all of these thoughts, I am barely turned on anymore and feel like I just have to get out of here and have some time to clear my head. Because this is not how I want to feel like when I am about to have my first time.

"Zayn", I speak a bit more serious, trying to not show any concerns. The last thing right now is to talk to Zayn. I just need a little time to process and think about what I want and how I want this thing between Zayn and I to evolve.
"Are you alright?", he immediately asks, worry displayed on his face, "did I go to far? Did you not like it? I'm sorry", he rambles apologetically, his eyes showing his sincerity.
"No... I liked it", I hesitantly reply, "but I think I just need to go for a walk or something. I'm not feeling so well."
"Oh, okay", he briefly pauses, "do you want me to accompany you?" The offer is sweet, but sadly not what I want.
"Nah. It's alright. I won't take long", I evade, already starting to dress myself. I feel a bit bad, because Zayn probably doesn't understand my abrupt change of mood, how could he?
"Are you sure, babe?", the concern in his voice is evident. This could be my chance to explain my worry, to let him know that I heard his phone call. But I chicken out. I don't really want to find out the answers at this moment.

"Yes. I'll be back soon", I quickly exit the room.

Luckily, I don't run into any other family member of Zayn's, I really don't want to talk to anybody. With only my headphones and my cellphone, I'm stepping out onto the streets. There is no particular place I am heading for, just mindlessly wandering around, gazing at the buildings, the depressingly grey sky and the people. It feels like I am thinking of everything and nothing all at once.

After some time, I can't help but think of Zayn again. The way he looked at me, as he was on top of me; giving me his cute crinkled smile, which shows his adoration for me and his affection, then his golden-brown eyes, so captivating and all-consuming that it feels like nothing else matters, but to be the receiver of their alluring gaze. The way he holds me, gently, but firmly at the same time, when he is wrapping his hands around my hips. How his simple touches are always igniting sparks, tingling sensations, that are rushing through my entire body. The way he pronounces my name, the way no one else does. Or even better, when he calls me Curly or babe. Damn, I am really mesmerized by everything he does. And I do love him. I really do. Of course, I want to stay close to him, to hopefully have a future together. Heck, I'm so gone that I can even picture us with two kids and a dog, living in a typical picket-fence house.

However, these phantasies frighten me. It can't be normal to fall for someone so fast the way I did, can it? What if I fall out love this quickly as well? -Okay, right now, I don't see that happening at all, at least not on my part. But what if he does? What if he regrets everything in a few weeks and goes back to Perrie. She has been such a big part of his life, why suddenly date this clumsy curly lad, he met in Paris, if you can still marry your beautiful long-term girlfriend?
Fuck! I am not only doubting myself; I am also just absolutely jealous. There it is, I am fucking jealous because she knows Zayn so much better than I do. She has made way more memories with him. She has had everything with him. There is just no way that I might have the same chance to know Zayn the way she knows him.
Maybe I should just leave. Maybe this trip to Bradford was the stupidest decision, I have ever made.

Not knowing what to do with myself, I hesitantly get out my phone, dialing Louis' number.

"Oy, oy. How are you doing, lad?", he cheerfully greets me.
"I think, I made a mistake by coming here, Lou."



Zayn's POV

I don't know what happened. But something did. One minute I feel as close to Harry as I possibly could. He was enjoying my touch; I am sure of it. I just don't know what changed? Maybe I did go too far and he was afraid to tell me. I hope that's not it; I would hate to find out that I made him uncomfortable, that I did something he wasn't ready for. I thought he was ready to go all the way. I thought that's what he wanted. It's certainly what I want. During these past few days, Harry and I have become really close, so close that I believed him when he told me he loved me. Maybe he doesn't? Maybe he only said it in the heat of the moment? After all, I was the first one to say these words.
Fuck this! I hate being stuck in this miserable state of doubting myself, of doubting his love for me and of not being able to get any answers.

And the way he basically stormed out of my room, as if he needed to be as far away from me as he possibly could. And his eyes, they looked so sad. Why did he look sad? I just don't get it!
Groaning out in exasperation, I decide to go look for him. Maybe he doesn't want me to, but I just can't be here and keep on waiting. I need to talk to him. I need answers.
Quickly grabbing a pack of cigs, a lighter and my phone, I make my way through the streets. With fast steps, I am rushing through the neighborhood, my eyes scanning ever passing person.

After roaming the streets for about twenty minutes, in futility, I bitterly light one of my cigs. Bitterly wondering, why do happy moments only last to shortly. I mean, why can't he fucking tell me what his deal is? I naively thought that I get him. Apparently, I don't. I have got no fucking clue what he is thinking right now. Or for that matter, where the hell he is.
I am angry and frustrated but mostly hurt. For the first time, I really know that I am in love. And now what? I am just supposed to have my heart shattered for real this time?
Taking another hit from my cig, I inhale deeply, before exhaling the smoke. This shit is supposed to help you relax, but all I think about is how Harry would scowl at me now, because he hates the smell of cigarettes.
In agitation. I stub out the cig. For a split second I deliberate to just throw it carelessly on the ground. But then I think of Harry, he'd probably want me to go look for a bin.
Fuck, he isn't even here with me now, probably won't be with me in the future.

So, I end up dropping it on the already dirty asphalt.
Now is when I am realizing that searching Harry was an impulsive idea that would lead me nowhere, which is why I am immediately heading back to our house.


However, when I turn around the next corner, I hear a familiar voice: "I think, I made a mistake by coming here, Lou."


There, I have my fucking answer.