Who We Are | TWD

.039

    I walk around. I walk around for a very long time. When the sun is about in the center of the sky, I head towards Carol's house to get Judith. I'm not very excited about babysitting right now, but I need a distraction.

    "You can take her. The stroller is on the porch," Carol says as she busies herself with some chores in the living room. I take Judith from her play mat, grab a rattle and one of the stuffed animals she was playing with, and take her outside.

    I roll the stroller down the steps before buckling her inside. I'm sort of hungry, but Carol just fed Judith and I can wait to eat. Even though I've been walking all morning, it's a fairly nice day and I wouldn't mind doing a little more.

    I push the stroller down the center of the road. A few people are outside. I find a group of women on the front porch of the house down the street, their chairs forming a circle, each of them holding books in their hands as they speak. I'm sure Carol will be wanting to join in on that book club as soon as she gets a chance. One of the women waves to me, causing all of the others to do the same. "Hello, Judith!" they call out in sweet voices. Of course, the baby is the center of attention.

    Judith babbles as we walk. In a sense, she makes it peaceful. When we make it around the loop, I find a good place in the grass by the solar panels to let her crawl around. She does so cautiously, picking clovers and tall pieces of grass and gripping them in her slobbery fist.

    It's a nice afternoon. I sit beside her, keeping my attention on the baby, but also taking in the sunlight for myself. Just a few days ago, I had wanted nothing more than for the sun to disappear so it didn't worsen my already fried skin. It's funny how quickly things can change.

    After about an hour, I collect Judith, putting her back in the stroller and heading for the house. On our way, I notice some wildflowers growing beside the wall. I pick a couple of them, breaking the stems off so that they aren't too long. I set them in the cup holder for the mean time.

    When we get back home, I put Judith down for her nap. Carl is gone, but I don't know if I should be happy or annoyed about that. I take the bouquet I had created, fill up the rusty flask, and add the flowers inside. I put it right back on my nightstand, admiring the soft touch it adds.

    I hate being home alone because there's nothing to do. I wish so badly that Carl was here right now and nothing had shifted between us. I seat myself on the window sill, staring out onto the street.

    The worst part is that I feel as though the whole reason Carl and I aren't exactly getting along at the moment is because of me. It's my fault because I'm too stubborn and can't find my place in this goddamn community. On top of all that, I hate change and my life has been changing quite a bit recently.

    I used to like change. Now, every time I experience it, I'm afraid that my life will be flipped upside down as it has been so many times. I don't want to lose people anymore. In all honesty, I don't think I can lose another person I care about. I'm at a point where I can finally realize that I've endured far too much pain for someone my age.

    You're not supposed to feel this kind of tired at my age, but I do.

    I look back down onto the street, noticing that it's mostly bare. I know very little of my friends' whereabouts which makes me feel somewhat nervous. I don't like not knowing. It hurts.

    A figure emerges from the corner of my window, walking towards our house. At first, I'm confused as to who it is, but quickly recognize it to be Ron. What is he doing here? I watch as he walks up to the porch. A moment later, there's a loud knocking at the door.