how much i love you

im sorry

i don't feel like myself anymore. i feel a huge disconnect from everyone around me. i don't have anyone that i can turn to talk to. i feel all alone.

i feel like if i tell anyone about this feeling they will simply look at me and laugh in my face. i miss my old self, the one that didn't care how i looked or how others saw me, the one who was there for anyone in need. the one that was kind to everyone even if they were mean to me...

i have grown as a person but sometimes i wish i had never met some people that i know now, some people that i have had relationships with. i wish it could all go away. i wish i could go away.

maybe if i weren't here my peers wouldn't feel as much pain, maybe my family wouldn't be as dysfunctional. maybe everyone would just be happier.

i lie here and wonder one day will i cave into all of the hate and all of the pain to know all of these questions. i sit here and am screaming inside for people to help but i can't get a word out of my mouth. i wish that people could just tell that i need help. i wish that i could tell people.

i can't seem to fugue out the right words to say. and i feel like if i try to tell someone they'll tell me that i am overreacting or that i'm doing it for attention. i wish i felt secure. in a way that i always know that someone will care about me.

i don't get it, i can be so kind and helpful to everyone and anyone, but not get a single thing in return. i can sit here and grant someone's every wish to the best of my ability's and give even more and they will still say 'it's not enough'

i don't understand what i am doing so wrong how badly can i be fucking up, to give all of my energy into people and get nothing in return.

why don't people care about me? i'd just be better off dead, wouldn't i? if all i get treated like is shit, why should i stay around to help others?

no one seems to ever care about me, no one wants to help. i'm done with all this bull shit. i'm just done.