how much i love you

goodbye

i can't keep going anymore. it's like every day is worse than the other. every day i wake up thinking "oh no, not this again" i think "i don't want to do this... i can't." it gets harder and harder to get out of bed. harder and harder to get ready.

i think every single day that this one will be worse than the other, and it always is. as i hang out with friends i imagine what's going through their heads as they talk to me it's probably like "god she's so fucking annoying" or i wish she wasn't in our friend group."

i wonder if anyone actually cares about me. or do they just act like it. my friend group would be better if i wasn't there, my family would function better if i wasn't there, my peers would be happier. i wonder if people just use me for my body, do they just use me to kiss when they want to, knowing that i am so needing of attention, and taking advantage of that.

i wonder what people think when they look at me for the first time. do they go and say "wow, their so pretty" or do they look at me in disgust. do they want to be my friend. or do they want to take advantage, just like so many others did.

i hope that i will find a will to live, a will to see happiness in life. i hope that people won't just use me. that's all i want, i want to be loved. i don't want this constant feeling of being left out, and frankly i just wanna die because of it, it hurts to say. but i hope the person that is reading this understands that i'm not okay.

is it to much to ask for?