"Forgive me for not being to you who you needed."
_
I had been lying in our room's bed, tired as ever. I couldn't sleep. I had been thinking about what Mama said.
She didn't come home for a couple of days after she had left. And, of course I was worried. That's how it was when she was using. She would come home, saying things that didn't add up, then she would do the least expected. I had gotten used to it for a while, but I didn't want Mama to use again. I didn't want to go through what we had went through, again. I hated seeing her actin' crazy.
I had been trying to figure it out, on my own, as to why mama would say what she had told Courtney, and how they even knew each other.
But, if Courtney were to come back to our apartment that day, to resume asking me about that job, I was going to make it my duty to get to the bottom of her knowledge of Mama, and why Mama told her she didn't have any children.
I knew that my mother said that sometimes she wished she didn't have a child, but that statement was unsettling in my heart. It was like hearing her saying sometimes she'd rather give up and take the easy way out. I mean, I wasn't a mother, I didn't have kids. And, one thing for sure I didn't know how hard it was to raise and take care of a child. But, when you make a commitment to something as far as being a mother, you can't just stop and give up. Not only are you livin' for you, but you're also living for your child. Not only do you have to take care of yourself, but you have to take care of your child.
I got up from the bed, and headed into the kitchen. After opening the refrigerator, my eyes fell of despair of was it consisted of. There was a gallon of low fat milk sitting on the top shelf, along side a jug of water, butter, and a Pillsbury's can of buttered biscuits. On the bottom shelf, there had been a bottle of mustard, a gallon of orange juice, and a jar of Dill's sliced pickles. Lastly, in the freezer compartment, sat pack of frozen cookies and a bag of frozen peas. I didn't want any of those things, so I checked the cabinets only to find a box of Pop Secret popcorn and a sack of potatoes. When I closed the cabinet doors, a tear rolled down the left side of my face. I verily wished things could've been different.
At a time like this, I also wished that Mama would've stopped helping Mr. Omar. If I hadn't known no better, I'd say that was the only reason he indulged in Mama. He wanted her money. But, how could she help him, when she didn't have any money to give? Something about that wasn't right.
I walked into the bathroom and began to run me a bath. Another cold, dreadful bath that I hated exposing my body to. The whole time I had been seated in the water, my body was shivering while my tears had become unstoppable. Even though I had been doing a lot of crying lately, I was proud of myself for it. I usually hadn't cried that much.
I could hear the front door close, so I assumed Mama had been back.
"Jay?" She called out to me, her voice cracked.
"I'm in the bathroom, Ma." I tried to clear my voice, so it wouldn't sound like I was crying.
"Oh, you must've heard me coming in the door. You then ran off to your favorite spot." She entered the bathroom, seeing me in the bathtub. "I'm assuming you mad at me, again?"
"Mama, I'm not mad." I responded, in a wretched tone.
Instead of replying back, she closed the top to the nearing toilet seat, taking a seat.
Mama stared at me for a while, allowing for me to see the boatload of tears that piled in her eyes. She released them. She then grabbed my right hand that sat upon the sides of the cold white tub, placing it in the palm of hers.
"I'm sorry, Jayme." Tears reached her chin.
"Mama, you don't have to--"
"Let me finish, Jay." She cut me off. "I'm sorry for everything. For doing drugs. For not givin' to you a better life." Her tears were then incessant, as she continued to hold on to my hand. "I promised you that you wouldn't have to go through that again, but I failed."
I wanted to believe everything she was saying at the moment. God, I wanted to take those words in, bury them deep, and let them stay inside for forever. But, that was the problem. Something deep inside of me knew that those words wouldn't last. They'd have me thinking too much, then I'd realize that they didn't mean not a damn thing. Cause when I would wake up the next morning, I'd feel the same way, I'd cry the same tears.
"I'm so sorry. I know I apologize all the time. But, I just want you to believe me," Mama went on, allowing her heart to race within her baffled chest. "I ain't tryin' to keep having us cry like this. And in a minute, we ain't gon have to. It'll be better, Jay. I'm forreal."
I was tentative. Maybe, just maybe Mama had meant the words that fell from her lips. Maybe what she had been saying was true. I really did want to believe her, but at the moment, I just....I don't know. Should I have believed her? I was so torn.
God, I wanted to blow up on her, and remind her of how she apologized before and promised me things I knew she couldn't make happen. I wanted to yell at her, to curse at her. To make her feel what I had felt.
I wanted to respond in anger. But I just couldn't. Instead, I said, "Mama, everybody be out here making mistakes. You ain't perfect, and I know that. I just want to see you get better, okay?" I turned away from her, then put my chin against my chest, holding my head down. "But you---you gotta stop taking steps forward only to go right back. You can't keep lettin' yourself down. You can't keep lettin' me down."
She didn't respond. This confirmed that she knew what I was saying had been true, even though she didn't want to hear it.
"Let me tell you something, Jayme." Her index finger pointed within my direction. "I want you to stay away from that Courtney. You hear me?"
"Can I ask how do you know her?" I looked at her with seriousness holding onto me. "Again?"
"That's not important right now. Don't talk to her, if she walks pass you, don't even look at her." Mama sighed, giving me narrowed eyes. "Make no eye-contact with her."
"Mama, she's gonna help us." I said.
"What? Help us how?" She looked puzzled.
"She's gonna give me a job, and I'm gonna take it."
"No, Jay!" Mama's head moved in a motion that displayed disbelief. "Ain't no job she giving out is one worth working. Yo' ass betta' not let me catch you even breathing next to her!"
"She gone help us, Ma." I looked at my mother with reassuring eyes. I was destined to attempt to change things. "We won't be poor no more. We're gonna have more food, hot water, more clothes. We need her!"
"No the hell we do not!" She yelled. Don't you ever say that again, you hear me?" I could see tears crowding her eyes. "Jayme, Courtney ain't no good, okay? That girl—she lives a lifestyle that I ain't lettin' you be apart of." Mama then reached for my hands. "Look, I've lost myself time and time again and I've gotten by. But, if I lost you, I would never survive that, okay? So promise me you gon' leave that Courtney where she is."
I stared her deep in her eyes, knowing that she was serious. Something about Mama and that girl was still unclear though. And truthfully, I couldn't take the suspense no more than I already had.
I responded with, "I promise."
But, that didn't mean I was gonna keep that promise.
