"It seems like every time you come up, something happens to bring you back down." Tupac Shakur.
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After receiving those words I received from Marvin just the previous night, I woke up with dried up tears printed within my face. I didn't sleep all that well. Just the thought of death bothered me deeply, so the death of that baby had blown me away completely. All that I kept thinking was how could they let something like that happen?
Lets not forget Mama mentioning my abuse to Mr. Omar. That made me question how much she really did value what I felt inside as a person. Just when I thought Mama and me were finding good terms, and were finally starting to look past everything we had been through, she pulled something quite like that. When I had decided to share with her a painful secret I had buried so deep within me, she went and shared it with him, like it was okay. I had actually began puttin' all of those hurt feelings behind me, but now they were starting up again. Cause telling Omar something that was supposed to be kept between just the two of us, was the ultimate betrayal.
After exiting the bed, I marched on into the bathroom, to complete my daily routine. I had to be prepared to go see Mr. Swisher, when Kim was to arrive to provide me transportation. I didn't know how good or bad he was doing because she hadn't really told me nothing. But, hopefully I would be able to get something out of her this specific day.
Fresh out of the shower, I began to lotion up, and apply clothes to my body. That's when the front door swung open, then Mama walked through it with a stunned look on her face. She had been dressed in her work uniform, but I couldn't seem to figure out what she was doing back home so early.
"You leaving? I thought maybe we could talk?" Her voice shook.
"Ain't nothing for us to talk about." I responded, barely wanting to speak.
"Jay, you stormed out of the store lastnight, crying. And I don't know what for."
I stood before the mirror that had been connected to our drawers, and began styling my hair. "You dont know?"
"I don't." She answered, after taking a seat upon our bed.
"You told Mr. Omar about my daddy abusin' me. After I'd begged you to not tell nobody."
"Okay, I'm sorry. But, when I found out what your own father did to you while I was in jail, I went crazy on the inside. And, I know it may not show on the outside, but I needed somebody to talk to." She started to release multiple tears. "And, at the time Omar was the only ear there for me."
If she knew how it felt to just need somebody to listen to you and talk to, then why had she had made it so hard for me to come to her when I wanted somebody to talk to, or listen to me?
"Ma, it's the fact that it was a secret when I first told you about it, and it should've remained a secret after I told you about it." I made sure to not make any eye-contact with her.
Mama got up from the bed and shouted, "Jayme, some things you just can't be afraid to open up about!"
"Maybe I'm not ready to open up about it!" My shoulders shrugged.
"You gone have to talk about it, someday!"
Persistent to style my hair in the mirror, I respond with, "Either way you put it, Mama, it was somethin' I begged for you to not mention to nobody and you promised you wouldn't, but you did anyways!"
"What the hell?!" She seemed bothered. "I said I was sorry! What else do you want me to do about it?"
"You know what? Everytime I think that maybe, just maybe all of this will soon get a lil easier, it doesn't. It just gets harder everyday." I apprised, turning from the mirror and facing her.
I mean't everything I said. I thought things would get more lenient. But, nothing had. It just got harder having to keep going on. I continued to keep living through it, because I didn't just want to give up on Mama so quick. I wanted to see her get help, with a chance of things being the way they used to be between us. But with all the hoping, all the wishing, were things ever going to change?
