That One Summer

August 6, 2011 - I knew

Dear Diary,

I didn't have to go looking for Calvin, at 9 am this morning he was knocking at our kitchen door.

Grandpa and I had been sitting at the table in silence. Even Darla hardly said a word. The vibe was so different than it had been all summer.

The jig was up. I knew.

"Who's manning the restaurant?" Grandpa says for a greeting.

I roll my eyes at his politeness.

"Claudia." Calvin politely answers.

"Not much of a stand in." He grumbles.

"Yeah, I'll be quick. Um, I don't know if Jane told you-" this perks grandpa's curiosity.

With all that was going on, I was perplexed at what he was referring to as well. He didn't know that I knew, right?

"I'm taking her to a wedding. Back in Seattle in a couple of weeks."

I was impressed that he said it as a statement. Calvin, who was always so careful not to be in grandpas way, was telling him it was going to happen. I don't know what changed, but I liked it.

Grandpa looks at me for confirmation, and I nod.

"Vanessa's wedding. I asked Calvin to come."

"What about the hotel?" He asks. We both know this isn't his main concern.

I wonder if he knew that he was punishing Calvin.

"Yeah, would you be able to cover for me?" Calvin asks.

We all look at grandpa, waiting for his response. His arms are crossed, his brows are furrowed. I'd bet that Calvin had never asked for time off before. He had been a perfect employee and didn't deserve the look that was on grandpa's face.

"Grandpa." I whisper across the table. I hope my look says enough.

"She knows." Grandpa says to Calvin. He doesn't answer the question, he just says she knows.

I sigh, looking down at the table. I can't look at Calvin, like I already know what I'll see. Withdrawal, fear, and shame.

I only hear the door open and close, then turn to see emptiness in his place. I follow him out, hearing grandpa call out for me.

I turn on my heal.

"You have to let it go." I say to Grandpa. "Wether you realize it or not, Calvin is just as much of a victim to what happened as we are, and you are punishing him for that.

Did you know he got offered an awesome job in Miami?"

Grandpa shakes his head in frustration.

"Yeah. He did and he turned it down to make you happy. Everything he does is because he's living in guilt. And you're letting him."

With that I leave to find Calvin.

...

I take a seat beside him in the clearing. He's sniffing and wiping at red his eyes. I don't know what to say, so I just lean my head on his shoulder.

"You don't hate me?" He croaks out.

"It's not your fault."

He scoffs in disgust.

"It's not." I repeat.

"Yeah, well. All I know is that if I wasn't here Mal would be." He pauses for a long time. "I took everything from you." He can barely get the words out.

"She did. Not you."

"I didn't think I'd see you again. I thought you'd be out there living in blissful ignorance and I'd stay here and take care of Mal and your grandpa."

"You take care of Mal?"

"I go visit him every day. And talk to him."

"And say what?"

"Sorry."

I had no idea. No idea Calvin was such a sad and broken boy. Stuck in the past when he didn't need to be. How could I make him see that he didn't need to own this guilt?

"I want to see him." I say.

He doesn't respond.

"How did you find out? Do you remember?"

"I'm starting to. I remember Mal. I remember he had kind of red hair and freckles, and that people always said something about them. I can see his smile, and when I see it I remember how it would always let me know he had some sort of mischievous thought going on."

Calvin laughs, and I know I'm right.

"You remind me of him so much." He says.

It was the reason for the look. The look I couldn't understand all summer. We'd be smiling and laughing and suddenly it was like he would see something in me, and he'd change so completely. He was seeing Mal, and he was feeling shame. That he was with me and Mal was not. That I was with him, and Mal was not.

"What happened, happened to all of us. It happened to you, not because of you."

He hasn't once looked at me since I walked into this clearing.

"I remember this clearing a bit." I change the subject a little.

"You do?"

"You and Mal made this, and you never let me join you guys. I hated it. And I'd sneak in sometimes. Mal would tell me to get out, and sometimes you would stick up for me."

"You were such a little rugrat back then."

I try to picture this summer through Calvin's eyes. Finding out I was coming for the summer, seeing me again no longer a child. Disappointed that I was such a snob.

Me thinking it was all the first time, but he already knew me. And deep down I did too.

"My memories are so foggy. They're like quick flashes. I wish I could remember more."

I want to ask about what exactly happened on the bridge, but I think enough had been sprung onto him for today.

"I can't believe you told grandpa you were taking me to the wedding. You told him."

"I know." He laughs. "I know I've been annoying this summer. But now you know why. If you still want me to take you, I will. But if you don't then I get that too."

"Nothing's changed for me." I say.

He finally looks at me, but only quickly.

"What is it?" I ask.

"I ruined your life. I shouldn't get to be with you. I've been fighting it all summer." I can't believe what I'm hearing him say. "I know it's what your grandpa thinks. But I see that confused look on your face when I try to stay away from you, and I hate that too."

I don't know what to say or do to make him see how I see him. He thinks I see him as someone who ruined my life, who took away everyone I loved. That's not what he was to me. So I reach over and touch his chin, and I turn his head towards me until he has no choice but to meet my eye, and I kiss him. I kiss him so he can see that he is not someone who ruined my life. He is the biggest and brightest light on my timeline.
...