Dear Diary,
I've heard my whole life how big of a deal first love is. How it shapes you; affects you for the rest of your life, and can never be forgotten. And as true as I'm sure it is, we forget about how equally true that is about your first best friend. Not just the first person you adorned with the title, but the first time you felt completely connected to another person's very being. That person who became your first call. The first person that you created a whole universe and language with. They're someone who shapes you. A girl never forgets her first best friend. They change you. They're written in bold on your time line.
There are no clouds outside the plane window. I can't remember the last time, if there was any, that I didn't see clouds when on a flight. It was completely clear the whole way back home. I could see every tiny house below us, a million different lives below me, and I couldn't help but wonder if they were lost and aimless as mine.
As much as a huge part of me wanted the life I could see in Chicago, the little part of me that is terrified is so strong.
Claudia snores loudly in the seat beside me. The woman across the aisle glares at me for the fourth time. What was she expecting? That I was going to wake up Claudia so we didn't all have to listen to this chainsaw for the past two hours? Trust me lady, the sounds that would come out of Claudia if I disturbed her would be way worse.
I wanted the lack of clouds to be a metaphor for what this trip would be. But I couldn't help this worry that was sitting in my chest, this uneasiness. Something was off, different, between Vanessa and I. It was like we were on the same path for so long, we liked the same things, had the same goals, we're in the same town, and now... Now it was like I was trying to find common ground with someone who was years older then me. Someone who had life figured out, when I was just trying to get my footing.
I remind myself that we always seemed to work things out, to find our way back to each other. I wanted not to worry, so that I could enjoy Vanessa's bridal shower and not ruin it with my paranoia.
At the very least, my worries about Vanessa were keeping my mind off of my worries about Calvin.
He had of course been ignoring me again.
Not in the typical avoid and don't speak way that he usually would do. Every time we had some sort of moment, if you could even call it that, he would do the same things. Only talk to me about work, avoid looking me in the eye, and stop texting me all together.
Our little outing to the theatre had ignited another one these times. I don't know what he was so scared of. But every time we got close, I just saw the fear come over him.
He has a way of making me not feel good enough. I'm sure a big part of it is just my own low self worth, but I know a big part of it is the way he's acting. Like he had to put me in my place, make sure I knew we were just friends and every little look or touch had to be put out with a fire extinguisher.
The hardest part was not being able to see the full picture.
When so little is said, you're left in the dark. Trying to decipher what went wrong or why the other person is acting the way they are. Do they care? Are they twirling every moment around in their head over and over again the way we are? Or are they distracting themselves with something else. Something better than me.
"We almost there yet?" Claudia finally sits up.
"Just about. You slept through the whole flight."
"Did you nap?" She asks with a stretch.
"No. Too much on my mind."
"Oh, I wonder if my best friend will be nice to me." Claudia mocks me. "And oh that Calvin, he is so so cute."
YOU ARE READING
That One Summer
Teen FictionJane was raised by her free spirited uncle, but when he moves to Paris she is forced to live with her grandpa for the summer in a small town where she finds romance and secrets to her past that she never knew were there.
