That One Summer

August 4, 2011 - Starting to Tear

Dear Diary,

I see an image in my head. It's clear, but so short and I don't know if it's real or something created.

A woman's face, desperate and scary. My dad, terrified.

A man I've wanted to know all my life, I can now see in my head; and I know it's him. Like he's always been there, but there was some sort of veil over him. Was this just my imagination, a picture my mind was putting together? Or could it be that I was one of the children on that bridge? That I fell along with my dad, that he was the un-named male adult who died, that Mal and Calvin were other two boys? One seriously injured, one in critical condition.

"Hello?" Vanessa's voice on the other end of the line is groggy, I'm not even sure what the time is.

"Do you remember when I had that accident? When we were kids?"

"Is everything okay?" She says, her voice becoming more clear as she finds her bearings.

"Just answer me. Do you remember?"

"Yeah, I remember. Why?"

"How long was I gone for?"

"Um. I don't know. Must have been a couple years. Could have been three. Why?"

"What?" I ask myself out loud. "I thought it was months. It was a broken leg, why would I be gone for years?"

"It wasn't months Janie. Let me think. You went to your grandpa's the summer after grade 1. And then you came back in grade 6. I always thought it was weird you said you were gone all that time because of a broken leg. But you never seemed to want to talk about it."

"I didn't?"

"I'd ask you what happened and you'd say you couldn't remember. You were different when you came back. But I guess that makes sense since the last time I saw you we were like 7. And then you came back and we were pre-teens."

The line is silent as I try to put the pieces of my past in place, in a way that makes some sort of sense. When I came back to school everyone had seemed so different. The reason was everyone was so different. When I fell from that bridge, something happened to my head. To my memory. Those years are such a blur even as I try to think of them now. More than a blur; a blank. A black opaque veil. But it was starting to tear.

Another flash of memory or imagination hits me. My dad again, this time sitting with me on the steps of Grandpa's house. He has a stick in his hand, and he's drawing something in the dirt. A happy face. A boy I know runs by. He's saying something but I don't know what.

It's Calvin. And I know him. He's someone I look up to, someone who is kind to me when my brother is being mean. He has smile number 2 on his face.

"Jane? Are you okay? What's going on?" Vanessa's voice brings me back to reality, back to the clearing, holding a piece of paper containing all the secrets of my past. The paper is rattling as every inch of me shakes.

"I just; I don't remember." I tremble. "I think I got really hurt and I forgot a lot of things." The tears are spilling now and I'm thankful for the release, however slight it might be.

"Do you want me to come down there?" She asks.

But she was no longer my support system. She hadn't wanted to be for months.

"No. No." I start to gather myself, and can now feel the coldness of the wind on my bare arms. "I just need to figure this out."

"Jane, go see the doctor."

"No, I'm fine. I should go."

"No Jane, I mean maybe the doctor has some answers. It's a small town right? There's probably only a small amount of doctors so they'd be easy to find, and they would know what your medical status or whatever was after your accident."