Jester (Man x Man) ✔

12) p l a n s

The good mood was long gone. Even if he was sitting there next to Benjamin and laughing and smiling with their friends, he was gritting his teeth and trying to keep his emotions at bay.

"I'm going for a smoke." Eli announced and didn't wait to hear what the others had to say before walking out of the night club. Smiling and cracking jokes was tiring, when the stress was gnawing at him from the inside. It was difficult to seem cocksure and suave, when all the negative thoughts filled his head.

Eli tried his best not to care about the things Judith had said, but they kept coming back and making him doubt everything he did. She thought he was using Benjamin for money, trying to gain something out of him. It was true Eli didn't make a lot by working in the convenience store and that currently he was short of money, but he rather starved than used Benjamin to pay for his living. 

Eli had had a fair deal of being a charity case in the past and he was still paying his debt for all the things people had done for him. He knew he owed so much to Logan that he could never pay back for all of it, and he didn't like feeling that way. So whatever he had with Benjamin had nothing to do with money.

But it wasn't Judith's implication of him being a gold-digger that worried Eli the most. It was something she had added after a moment of consideration: "It's none of my business, I know, but I won't let anyone hurt Benjamin again. You should ask him about Oliver." Then, before Eli could react in any way, she had rushed back to Miles and Benjamin. 

If even getting to the point of dating someone was that difficult, the thought of settling down tempted Eli much less than it already did. The mere thought of it made his head hurt. It was just that with Benjamin he wanted to fool himself over and over again. He could stay one more day, he could go to one more dinner, he could do anything one more time. And if he did it just once, it didn't mean anything. 

Eli sighed, running his hand through his short hair and inhaled more grey smoke in his lungs. He knew he needed walk back in at some point, but he kept putting it off. It had been a long day, and although it wasn't all bad, a wave of exhaustion washed over him. He just wanted to go home and sleep until all his problems were gone and preferably solved by themselves. 

"Aren't you cold?" A familiar voice brought Eli back to Earth. He tilted his chin on his side to look at the talker and smiled. Then dumped his cigarette in the ashtray.

"Freezing." Eli huffed truthfully.

"Then let's go in." Benjamin offered, but as Eli just looked at him hesitantly, he added: "Did Judith say something that's worrying you? Because if she did —"

"Benjamin, I have no idea what I'm doing." Eli interrupted him, surprised by his own words and how desperately they came out of his mouth. 

"About what?" Benjamin asked, taking a step towards Eli. 

Eli wasn't stupid and he knew painfully well that if he kept doing something over and over again, it didn't matter how much he tried to convince himself it was going be for the last time. At some point he was inevitably going to realise he kept doing the thing because it already meant something to him.

"About us. She's not wrong, you know, you shouldn't waste your time with someone like me." Eli sighed. He watched how Benjamin's eyes widened and how his lips parted in surprise. For a moment he just stared at Eli that way, but then he stepped closer, taking Eli's cold hands in his warm ones.

"Someone like you?" Benjamin prompted, eager to know more.

"In case you haven't noticed, I'm not exactly boyfriend material." Eli chuckled awkwardly. "And what if I just end up hurting you like Oliver did?"

"You know about him?" Benjamin let go of Eli's hands.

"No, I just.. Judith told me to ask you about him." Eli shrugged, studying the expression on Benjamin's face.

"We don't have to talk about that yet. We can just take our time and see what happens." Benjamin suggested, rubbing his neck.

"Okay. But I mean it, I really have no idea what I'm supposed to do. I wasn't supposed to have feelings for you and now.." Eli halted, realising what he had just blurted out. Benjamin lifted his gaze, now staring straight into Eli's eyes.

"No, I meant that.. I didn't —" Eli rushed to correct, but Benjamin interrupted him by pulling him into a deep, almost rough kiss. Eli let his tensed up shoulders relax and answered the kiss in a similar manner. When Benjamin parted from the kiss, he was smiling. 

"I wasn't supposed to have feelings for you either, but here we are." Benjamin uttered firmly, his hands cupping Eli's cheeks. 

"So.. what are we going to do about that?" Eli asked. He didn't even realise he was holding his breath, waiting for Benjamin's answer. 

"What would you like to do?" Benjamin looked at Eli intensively, unable to hide his trepidation.

"I want more than sex. I want to stay the night and I want to wake up next to you in the morning. I want to be the first person you call when you need someone to talk to." Eli couldn't even blame it on alcohol, he was as good as sober, when those words escaped from his mouth. "And I want to be okay with all that, but.."

"You're scared?" Benjamin offered. Eli didn't say anything, he just nodded slightly. They stood there holding each other like that and said nothing for a long while.

"I want all that too. I want you, as simple as that. I've known that all along and nothing Judith says can make me think any differently." Benjamin murmured with an unhesitant voice. Then he took a deep breath and continued: "I've been giving you time and if you let me, I'll keep doing that in the future as well. We're in no hurry and we don't have to make any plans yet. Let's just see how it goes, okay?"

"Okay." Eli could feel a smile tugging the corners of his mouth and he let out a relieved sigh. "Okay, yes. Yes." He breathed then and captured Benjamin's lips in another kiss. 

Benjamin let go off Eli's cheeks and wrapped his arms around Eli's lower back. Eli mirrored his movements, embracing Benjamin tightly. He felt an unfamiliar feeling inside his chest: a bubbling sense of happiness, which brought a genuine laughter to his lips. 

It didn't last long though.

When Benjamin aparted from Eli, his hand whisked over the pocket of Eli's jacket. There was no zipper nor a snap fastener, so the light touch was enough to drop the content of the pocket on the ground. Benjamin crouched down to pick it up and hand it back to Eli, but he halted half-way. 

"What the fuck is that, Eli?" He exclaimed.