I woke up, made coffee, and got ready to head into Mexico. Nobody was awake yet. I remember me always being the first one to wake up usually. Go sit in my spot, ponder, and wonder why I was the lucky one.
I don't talk about what I see often.
I see James being shot in the head, Kensington burning, people I've killed, Adam, and everything bad I've ever done. It eats me alive. I don't talk about it.
"Hey".
I looked behind me towards mine and deans tent. He was standing in front of the entrance.
"Hey," I took a second, "Fire is lit, coffee is made".
Dean came and sat beside me, "You alright? You look tired".
I shrugged, "I have been tired, emotionally exhausted".
"Are you sick?" Dean asked.
I got confused, "What?".
"I heard you getting sick yesterday morning. I didn't wanna bring it up".
I sighed, "I've just been tired".
"What's been going through your head? Come on, you can talk to me".
I took a second, but didn't answer.
"Amira, please" Dean grabbed my hand.
"Ever since we bought the farm, since I left the gang, I see things".
"All of these years?" He looked concerned.
I nodded, "it's not very often, I've been blocking it all out. Being back on the road it's been difficult. I see my friends dying, the people I've killed, and it's horrifying. It makes me want to scream and cry, but I hold it all back. I feel like I'm gonna explode".
Dean took a second, "Studies show that after traumatic events, people can have these moments of "hysterical attacks" or stuff like that."
I didn't answer.
"You could be traumatized my love".
"It's not trauma. It's not. It was just a thing that happened".
"You watched your family die, you watched James die, you had Adam be arrested to save you, you went through months of deep dark depression, you went through almost being raped, you went through the bank robbery, jumped off a building and had to find everyone with a fucked leg, witnessed everything happen to Adam, and I could go on. I could go on".
I glared.
"Amira, I'm just stating fact".
"You're being an asshole" I started to cry.
Dean looked really confused, "You're crying. You never cry".
"Because you're a dick!" I yelled.
Dean looked overly shocked.
I got up and walked off. I couldn't even have a cigarette, and it was really upsetting. I took a walk, sat in the grass, and cried. I knew this was my hormones going nuts.
I lifted up my shirt and put my hands on my belly, that usually helped me.
I sat in silence for a bit as I calmed down, tried to stop thinking about it all. That's when I felt the baby kick. I looked at my belly as I desperately tried to feel it again. I wanted to start crying again.
"Hey" Sam walked over.
I wiped my eyes, "Hey, sorry".
"No worries. Dean looks shocked, told me you went this way. Wanted to come check in on you".
