my diary

1

It's the 7th December 2021 at 11:46 pm.

I cried half of the night because I had a nightmare which was about a traumatic memory. I use to have nightmares since a few days.

School was exhausting today because I had until 3:25 pm. The lessons were kinda dumb today.
First I had Maths. We have our exam next week and I'm so fucking scared about it because Maths is the subject I'm most scared of because I failed it two years ago and that fact still triggers me and makes me feel like it could happen again. I mean I understand Maths actually but on exams I'm so overwhelmed that I have no idea what's going on and just do anything without thinking. However, then I had English. That was quite boring so I was literally the whole time on my phone. Then we had Music. I had to tell what we did in the last lesson and got all answers right. Kinda with the help of my class without the teacher noticing it. I'm really thankful that they did that for me. Then we had Latin. I like Latin but it's very much to learn and yeah I think that already says anything. Then we had two hours Informatics.

Then I had a little break so I went for lunch with my girlfriend. We haven't seen each other for a longer period of time because I don't feel like socialising when I'm at school so I spent most of the time alone but it seems like she doesn't really care about it.
I have to say that she can't really show her emotions because of her issues but even though I know it it still makes me sad many times because when she does that it seems like she doesn't care about me even though I actually know that that's not true.
After the break I had Religion which was also kinda ok.

Then I went home and tried to learn Maths but couldn't really concentrate because the thoughts that I'm never going to get a positive grade overwhelmed my mind so I stopped and just did uninteresting shit like watching TikToks, beeing on Instagram, reading something on Wattpad or watching Netflix.
My girlfriend wanted to call me but I didn't feel like talking so we didn't. We'll see each other tomorrow because we don't have school.

⚠️TW⚠️

I felt like cutting that evening so I did it. I'm self harming since October 2019. I'm addicted and I already have many scars because of that. But I don't really care about it to be honest. My parents and my teachers know about it but my class doesn't because I never changed my clothes in front of them.

⚠️TW end⚠️

That's it for today.

See you next time. Byeee:)