The Prodigy

Mole Hunt

"So, what exactly did you call us in early for?" I asked one morning at HQ. "The time has come..." Brett said. "...for year end bonus o'clock!" Bear-O comes in, holding a boombox playing dance music. Brett also began dancing. "Great news, guys. I know I can be a real cabal buster sometimes. But the numbers are in, and we have finished this year's missions in record time." Reagan announced, giving Brett a high five. "So these gifts are from JR to express his thanks." Brett added, handing each of us a box. "Ooh, what's it gonna be? A private island?!" Gigi gasped. "Please be the nuclear codes." Glenn begged. "I bet we're getting tote bags again." I said, opening my box to reveal yet another tote bag. "Called it." "Tote bags? Again? Son of a bitch!" Andre complained. "I don't need a bag to carry shit. I got six fucking arms!" Myc yelled. "Uh-uh!" Gigi exclaimed. "Wait, there could be a check inside, or a commemorative tinfoil hat!" Brett gasped. "That's just actual garbage!" Myc complained. "Guys, hey, guys, you know what? You're right. You do deserve more than tote bags." Reagan said. "I'm taking this to JR." "Give it to him!" Myc exclaimed. "Fuck yeah!" I cheered as Reagan left for JR's office. "Yo, Brett, you up for a game of corn hole until Reagan comes back?" I asked. "You're on!" Brett exclaimed.

After playing a quick game of corn hole, we all heard loud music coming from the atrium outside of HQ. "What up, Deep State?" Reagan exclaimed via hologram. "Today I control you!" "Well, this'll go well." Myc commented.

The next day at work, JR was holding a going away ceremony for himself? I don't quite understand why. "Today, I finally leave Cognito Inc and ascend to the Shadow Board." JR announced. "I want you to know I love you all like a random group of people I was contractually required to spend 40 hours a week with. To quote Christian Bale's meltdown on the set of Terminator Salvation, "We are done professionally." Thank you, and enjoy the shrimp." JR knocks down the podium and walks offstage, just as Reagan rises from the bottom. "Today, a new dawn is dawning. Look, let's get real, this company has been an old boys' club for years." Reagan began. "I mean, really old." "You take that back!" I heard Grassy Noel Atkinson yell from above, almost shooting Reagan. "For far too long, this company has run on lies, selfishness, and a lust for money that borders on the sexual." Reagan continues. "Hell yeah!" Myc shouted. "Well, no more. I present Cognito 2.0." Reagan announced. "We're gonna make the world a better place, starting with chairs with improved neck support for our Easter Island population... to increased media spending for the subliminal messages that matter."

Recycle. Healthcare is a right. Delete Twitter.

"I even created an ethics bot to ensure our missions are morally acceptable." Reagan continues. "Congratulations, Cognito Inc. You are 51% not evil." The ethics bot revealed. "Booyah!" Reagan exclaimed. "But best of all, no more shitty tote bags. Task force, you're getting crew jackets." The jackets were handed to our group, even labeled 'The Gang' with our faces on the back and our names on the front. "Ah! It's me! I'm on a jacket. I'm so excited I can't breathe." Brett panted. "Huh, jackets?" Myc asked. "Unlike these chums, my loyalty isn't for sale!" "Oh, I also upgraded Myc's weird jerk off machine so it can milk all six tentacles at once." Reagan added, revealing Myc's new milking tank. "Slay me, mushroom daddy." The milking tank begged. "I will both kill and die for you." Myc said. "Reagan 2024!" Everyone began chanting Reagan's name with excitement. "Hell yeah! My best friend is my boss." Brett exclaimed. "This is gonna be so uncomplicated." "Finally, it's gonna be a Deep State you can trust!" Reagan shouted as she began crowd surfing. All of a sudden, the code red alarm was blaring. "Trust no one!" JR announced. "There's been a security breach!"

JR called me and the team into his office, soon to be Reagan's, to discuss the recent security breach. "Shit! Crapping ass! Damn it! Pants full of shit!" JR cursed. "There's a mole in our midst. They've broken in and stolen the unspoken file." We all gasped in shock. "What's the unspoken file?" Brett asked. "The one we don't speak about." Gigi replied, slapping Brett in the face. "You got a brain under that hot face?" "It's the master dossier of every conspiracy we have ever committed." Reagan explained. "If that gets exposed, the whole company goes down!" "Someone here is trying to personally fuck me over, and I won't have it." JR snapped. "If the Robes find out about this, the only place I'll be promoted to is Shadow Prison X!" "The place we disappear people to that's so secret even we don't know where it is?" Andre asked. "That's where we sent the third Olsen triplet." I recalled. "Pour one out for Stacey May Olsen." Myc cried. "Okay, let's just all stay calm and be reasonable about this." Reagan reassured us. "I'm filling the atrium with sharks trained in Krav Maga!" JR shouted, flooding the atrium with water and bloodthirsty sharks. "I'm going to my coronation ceremony come hell or shark water. Reagan, you wanted to be boss. Here's your first task. Find the mole by end of day or I'm disappearing every one of you!" "Oh, God!" I gasped, as JR escaped on his drone. "Oh, and Reagan, congrats on the promotion." JR said, before he left. "Thank you." Reagan replied. "I hope you survive yours as well."