Beyond Blue Eyes

10: Jade

March

Today is the day that there's going to be a special lesson with a guest speaker, and everyone's been trying to guess what the lesson will be about. Even at lunch, it's all anyone can talk about. I'm just as curious as everyone else is, and I don't have to wait very long to find out who the guest speaker is.

I just got back in after lunch, and I accidentally walk right into someone with several heavy-looking suitcases. "Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't see you there. Do you want help with your suitcases?" I ask. "It's okay. No harm done. A little help would actually be greatly appreciated. It's hard when you have to move five separate suitcases that are really heavy like these are without any help," he says. "I'm Jade, by the way. Jade West," I say, holding out my hand. "I'm Jeff. Jeff Dunham," he says, and I instantly recognize his name. Robbie's talked about him a bit in the past, mainly because he's one of his heroes. I help Jeff move his suitcases into the auditorium for later, then I head to my last class before the lesson with Jeff.

As everyone enters the auditorium, I sit with Tori in the front row, and Robbie sits on my other side. I smile and wait for the lesson to begin, holding hands with Tori. When it finally starts, Jeff just kind of strolls onstage and introduces himself. Of course, Robbie gets really excited to see him, since he's looked up to him for God knows how long. Even Tori's excited to see him for some reason, and I find myself excited as well, even though I know next to nothing about him, other than that he's a ventriloquist. "Now, we're very happy to be here with you all. It's been a long time since I last came here, and it has changed a lot. Now, I'm here to present a lesson on vaudeville," Jeff says, and the lesson begins. The highlight of the lesson was when we all suddenly heard someone call Jeff an out-of-date idiot.

When his show starts, he mentions that earlier, he said "we are very happy to be here", then he proceeds to say, "Well, I say we, but there is one guy that's been rather curmudgeonly about this whole thing. Please help me welcome my old friend, Walter," he says, taking out an old man who's about three feet tall, with a perpetual scowl on his face. "Oh, my Lord, where the hell are we now?!" Walter asks, making everyone laugh. "Buuuuh!" He says mockingly, and we laugh even more. "Shut the hell up," he says, then glares at Jeff, who just looks back at him innocently. "Good to see you, Walter," Jeff says. "Whatever," Walter replies grumpily. "Did you have a good trip over here with your wife?" Jeff asks, and it almost seems like Walter gets even more upset. "Did you seriously just ask me that?" He asks. "Yes," Jeff says simply. "Well, the answer to that is simple: Hell no," Walter says, and a few people laugh. "Seriously, when are you going to figure out that my wife is the most annoying person in my life?" Walter asks Jeff. "I already know that, Walter. You mention it at every show," Jeff says. "So, who are these people?" Walter asks. "Well, these are the students of Hollywood Arts," Jeff explains. "Really?" Walter asks in disbelief. "Yeah," Jeff says.

"Holy crap!" Walter says loudly. "What now, Walter?" Jeff asks him. "I swear that there's something familiar about some of 'em. Especially that guy," Walter says, nodding his head in Robbie's direction, and it takes me a moment to realize that he's actually referring to Rex. "Yeah, there's something familiar about you too, Gramps," Rex retorts. "You do realize that, even though I'm in my seventies, I can probably still kick your butt, right?" Walter asks. "Quick, hide me, Rob!" Rex says in fear, and Walter laughs at him. "So Walter, what was it like for you when you were in high school?" Jeff asks. "Nothin' like this, I'll tell ya that right now," Walter says. "How so?" Jeff asks him. "Well, for starters, if two folks of the same gender held hands for longer than a few moments, they would be labeled outcasts. You know how that feels, don'tcha?" Walter asks. "What?" Jeff asks. "Being labeled an outcast," Walter replies. "How would I know how that feels?" He asks. "Hmm... let's think about that for a moment... you were a teenage boy and you played with dolls... sounds like an outcast to me!" Walter says. "Hey!" Jeff says, as if he's scolding Walter. "Come to think of it, you still play with dolls," Walter says, giving Jeff a pointed look. "You really have no social life, do ya?" Walter asks him. "I have a perfectly healthy social life!" Jeff protests. "Standing on a stage in front of thousands of folks and talking to a group of puppets does not count as a healthy social life," Walter says.

"Hey, what's up with that guy?" Walter asks. "Which guy?" Jeff asks, and Walter looks into Jeff's eyes for a moment. "Who do you think I'm talking about? The guy standing in the corner drinking from a coconut," Walter says. "I don't know. Maybe one of the students know," Jeff says, and I put my hand up. "Yes, uh, you there in the front," Walter says. "Well, Sikowitz does some pretty weird things. He's had this weird obsession with coconuts for as long as I've known him, if not longer. That's all I really know about it," I say. "Oh, thanks, I think," Walter says. "I actually met that girl earlier today," Jeff says. "Oh, did you now? Was she the one who put my suitcase underneath Achmed's?" Walter asks. "I might have, but the suitcases aren't exactly labeled, either," I say. "You know, you should really invest in some labels, Jeff," Walter says. They talk for a little longer, then Jeff brings out the next of his puppets, a NASCAR-loving, beer-drinking redneck named Bubba J.

"How've you been, Bubba J.?" Jeff asks him. "I'm doin' purty gooood!" Bubba J. replies with a goofy laugh. "What've you been up to?" Jeff asks. "Same thing as always, watchin' NASCAR and drinkin' beer!" He says. "How's your wife?" Jeff asks. "Same as always: ugly. We was out shoppin' the other day, and she smiled at some kids," Bubba J says. "That's nice," Jeff replies. "No, it ain't!" Bubba J says. "Why not?" Jeff asks. "'Cause as soon as them kids saw her smile, they ran away screamin' about a monster, duh huh huh," Bubba J replies. "What'd you guys do for Valentine's Day?" Jeff asks. "We went out for some beer and watched the NASCAR race at the bar," Bubba J says. "Was that all you guys did?" Jeff asks. "Yup," Bubba J says. "Where did you go on your last vacation?" Jeff asks. "We went to Ireland," Bubba J says. "Why'd you guys go to Ireland?" Jeff asks. "Are you kiddin'? Their bars never close!" Bubba J says. "So you must go there pretty often, then," Jeff says. "Duh! We've made it our quarterly vacation," Bubba J replies. "What does that mean?" Jeff asks him. "What does what mean?" Bubba J asks. "What do you mean when you say "quarterly vacation"?" Jeff asks. "Oh, right. Well, ya know how some families take a yearly vacation?" Bubba J asks. "Yes," Jeff answers. "Well, it's kinda like that, but instead of goin' once a year, we go once every three months," Bubba J replies with another goofy laugh.

The next character that Jeff brings out is Achmed the Dead Terrorist, a failed suicide bomber. "Hello Achmed," Jeff says. "Hello..." Achmed says, then pauses. "... infidel," he finishes, and everyone laughs. "SILENCE! I keel you!" He shouts loudly, making us laugh even more. "I hear you recently had a bit of an issue getting through airport security," Jeff says. "Yes, I did. I got to the baggage claim and was just about to collect my suitcase when I got stopped by airport security," he says. "Why did they stop you?" Jeff asks, and Achmed glares at him. "Why the hell do you think they stopped me?! Because I look like a fricking terrorist, that's why!" Achmed says after glaring at Jeff for a few minutes. "But everyone loves you!" Jeff protests. "Not the airport security people at LAX!" Achmed fires back. "Is there anyone else you can think of that doesn't like you?" Jeff asks. "Yeah, Walter," Achmed says. "Why is that?" Jeff asks. "The other day, I was just looking for the plastic glue so I could finally get my foot to stay normal, but Walter said that he hid it, and refused to tell me where I could find it!" Achmed says loudly, making some of us chuckle. "Ah ha ha ha ha!" Walter suddenly laughs from inside his suitcase, and that makes everyone laugh. "SILENCE! I keel you!" Achmed yells again. "So, since some of the folks in the audience today probably have no idea about it, what happened to you?" Jeff asks, and Achmed looks at him. "Okay. If you must know, I had a premature detonation," he says, and a few people laugh. "I set the timer for thirty minutes, but it went off in four seconds," he continues. "What were you doing at the time?" Jeff asks. "I was getting gasoline, and I answered my phone. "Can you hear me now?" Boom!" Achmed says, "At first I thought it was because I went over my minutes."

After Achmed, Jeff brings out his last two characters, Peanut, who acts like he's addicted to Starbucks and always takes an opportunity to insult Jeff, and José Jalapeño on a stick, a slow paced Mexican jalapeño pepper. I don't even really remember their performance, I was laughing so hard during the whole thing. It was hilarious.

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Hello! This was a pretty cool chapter, wasn't it? The idea for it just came to me the other day, so I decided to incorporate it into my story. The next chapter is probably going to be the gang's graduation, so yay! Bye for now!