Love's Wild Card (Completed)

Can I Die?

Mew maintained distance from Gulf. He had gone to his place last week to apologize and Gulf had accepted his apology but made it clear that he wanted nothing to do with Mew anymore. Mew respected Gulf's decision. He didn't contact him after that.

Mew tried to let it go but it seemed so hard. It was hard watching Gulf in college and ignoring him. College festival was approaching and Mew was busy with it. He hardly had time to think about anything else. He was hard time juggling college and business. He didn't get time to even talk with Sarawat.

"Mew, we need the list of items needed for decoration in seminar hall." Student council president said.

"Okay, I'll forward it to you."

"Mew, did you check the equipment in music room?" Xavier asked.

"I'll do it in afternoon."

"Mew, have you prepared your speech?" Lisa enquired.

"Yeah, almost done."

"Mew, I told you to get the written permission from HOD, didn't I?" Jennie said.

"I was going to HOD right now."

Mew's phone rang, "Yes?"

"Mew, have you prepared the draft for the meeting?"

"I'm working on it. Need to make few changes."

"Okay, complete it fast and you hardly came to office this week."

"Sorry, I was busy with college festival. Will report on Monday."

"Okay."

Mew quickly dashed to get the work done. In a way it was better to be so busy. He hardly had time to think and that made it all a bit bearable. After the college was over, Mew headed to his home. He went to bathroom and shut the door. He took out his blade and started making small cuts. They didn't bleed much. Just enough to make him stop after a while. He counted them- 14.

It had started when Taemin had died but eventually he stopped. He didn't even know why did he stop. After some time it felt like he didn't need to hurt himself to breath. But after this fiasco, he had urge to cut again. It didn't make him feel better in any way, more like after he had cut he felt ashamed. It made him feel so weak and pathetic. Yet he did it anyway.

Nothing triggered his urge to cut. He randomly did it. Sometimes daily, then he would stop for a week or less, then he would start again. At times twice a day or even four times and some days not even once. There was no pattern to it. At times he would be eating and it would come to his mind, 'Oh I didn't cut today. I probably should.' He always cleaned his wounds and bandaged them. That made him feel like he hadn't fallen off the edge yet.

On the day of college festival, Mew didn't get time to even eat anything. He was busy running all over the place. At last, there was a final show and Mew was sitting in the seminar hall with rest of the college. Soon everyone received a notification. There was post in college's student group.

"Hello everyone, I want to talk about the golden student of our college, Mew Suppasit. Did you all know Taemin, Mew's brother commited suicide because of Mew? Mew pushed his brother to such length. He was such a jerk. Mew was jealous of his brother so he thought it would be better to get rid of him. He mentally and physically hurt him to the extent that Taemin had no other choice.

Even his death wasn't enough for him, he lusted after his brother's love Gulf Kanawut. He knew how much Taemin loved him. Yet he started dating him. He physically abused Gulf so much that he had to be taken to hospital. Gulf was assaulted by him many times. And when he was done with him, he threw him away.

And you know what's funny, our golden boy cuts his hand and acts like a victim. He's mentally sick who enjoys pain. He isn't right in head. He goes around the campus acting all high and mighty but in reality he's just a pathetic loser. I would say beware of him. Maybe you are his next target."

Soon everyone was whispering about the post. They stared at Mew with disgust and loathing. They were pointing fingers at him and laughing.

"What a weirdo?"

"Such a sick person."

"I feel sorry for his brother."

"Poor soul had to put up with such disgusting jerk."

"I feel bad for Gulf."

"Abusive psycho."

"I always thought he was weird."

"He didn't seem normal to me at all."

"Maybe he actually killed his brother."

"All he has is money."

"He should be put in jail."

"I think he cuts for attention."

"Creep."

"Lunatic."

"Disgusting."

"Freak."

Mew read the post and was dumbfounded at the reaction of his friends and classmates. He wanted to shout that it was all a lie. He never did all those things. He would never do them. But their words and look in their eyes was choking him. He did the only thing he could think of. He ran. He ran as fast as he could until he couldn't hear them anymore. He went to his car and drove away.

He couldn't believe someone would post such cruel lies about him. Why would anyone do that? Who could it be? Everyone believed those words. Even if he tried to tell his side no one would care. That's how it is. People love believing worst of others. He wanted to..... He wasn't sure what he wanted right now. Sarawat had called him 10 times but he was in no position to talk with anyone.

He reached home and collapsed on the bed. He took few deep breaths and opened the drawer and took out the blade. He wasn't cutting because of those people. He wasn't that weak.
He was doing it for himself. He needed this so he had to do it. He rolled his sleeve and made the first cut. It wasn't deep. Very superficial hardly drawing any blood. He made another, then another, and many more after that.

His eyes were teary, he could hardly see his hand anymore. The tears fell on his cuts and mixed with his blood. He wanted to stop yet wanted to keep going. He didn't realize how many cuts he had made. They didn't seem enough today. His hand was hurting like hell. The sting was too much. The silence was too much. Mew screamed. He kept screaming until he could no more.

How could anyone say he had killed his brother? He loves him more than life itself. Yet those words were stuck with him. He knew they weren't true but in the end Taemin had died and in a way it was Mew's fault. How do you compensate for someone's life? Was there any way? Regretting it for your entire life, was that even enough? What could Mew do to make Taemin forgive him? What would ever make what he did less cruel?

Dying? Would that be enough? Was his life worth enough? If he killed himself, would that be enough atonement? Would it be a coward move? Like he was running away?

'Taemin, I need you. Tell me what should I do? Do you hate me? You must. I wish I could just talk to you once. I can't live like this anymore. I want to die. Can I? Haven't I lived enough? I wanted to die that very day but I couldn't. It would have completely broken mom and dad had they lost their both son. I hated to watch them suffer. They would have blamed themselves for everything. But I can't do this anymore. I'm tired. I want to sleep.' Mew whispered.