Apparently being bald is caused by high testosterone. Alphas have high testosterone, and betas have low testosterone. So being bald makes you an alpha. So being bald makes you cool. It makes you like Joe Rogan.
Being bald was supposed to make you cool. But it wasn't supposed to land you in a hospital bed, right?
That's what Anon was thinking to himself as he cut the crust off of his hospital provided sandwich.
Jesus Christ, was it really that hard to just make a sandwich without the crust? Why did they always have to leave the crust on? Just to watch him suffer?
The crust was like the hair of the sandwich. Anon considered trying to burn the crust off with a match—for cool, symbolic purposes—but he decided against it. If he did that, then the whole sandwich would burn. He knew from experience. But not with sandwiches.
There were burns all over Anon's body. They looked almost like some crazy Halloween makeup. He couldn't believe that they were real. Having burns sucked. Almost as much as having to eat the crust.
A nurse walked in. "Oh, you don't like the crust?" she said.
Anon didn't even know what to say.
"I mean, it's not too bad, I guess," he muttered.
"Awesome! I'll make sure we always keep the crust on, just for you!"
Her fake voice was sweet and powdery in the way that poisoned, rotten, expired candy is sweet and powdery. It was disgusting.
Anon felt like throwing up.
"Ok, umm, thanks," he said quietly, looking at the ground.
"Cool beans!" she said, feigning excitement. Anon swallowed his vomit back down.
"Anyways the reason I came in here was to talk about your treatment cost."
Oh no. Treatment cost.
"As I understand it, you are currently unemployed. Is that correct?"
Anon instantly went numb. "Uhh, yeah, that's right. I'm unemployed."
"And, as I understand it, you are on welfare. Is that correct as well?"
"Yeah," Anon said. As soon as he heard the words "treatment cost," he had checked out. He was responding on autopilot.
"Oh, so you must have a child then? What's their name?"
Anon looked confused. "What?"
"You're 24 years old, so in order to qualify for welfare, you must either be pregnant, or have a child. And you are clearly not pregnant—although that belly is a little large" she chuckled. "So you must have a child."
Why had she felt the need to comment on his gut? Anon felt the familiar sensation of rage, pumping his veins as tight and pressured as they could get. His face started to get warm and red.
"No, there must be some sort of mistake. I mean, I've had sex before—of course I have—but I always used protection. I don't have any kids."
"How did you qualify for welfare then?" She looked like she was suspecting something.
"Well, the point of welfare is to help those who need help, and I need help. So I, you know, find ways to get welfare."
She looked confused.
"You lie to get welfare?"
"No, I don't lie. It just, umm, it just works out."
"Ok," she said, seeming more than a bit concerned. "Anyways, that's not important. What matters right now is your billing situation. Let's discuss..."
—
While Anon suffered through a detailed description of his hospital bills, Evelynn studied for her psychology test. She had to read some papers by this psychology guy named Carl Jung. Carl always seemed to be on the woo-woo side of things, and he didn't really make sense, but for some reason he was a famous psychologist.
One of Carl Jung's weird ideas was that beauty came from opposites together. For example, the most beautiful color combination is not just the same color, but opposite colors that are harmonized together to create a cool texture.
As Evelynn read Carl's theory about beauty and opposites, an insight suddenly flashed through her. "It all makes sense!" she thought. "That's why that guy I saw on TikTok in the maid dress was so attractive! It was because he was opposites mixed together! He was strong but soft! Tough but caring! Dominant but submissive! He had masculine power with feminine finesse!"
Evelynn pulled out her phone, opened TikTok, and pulled up the video of the guy in the maid dress. He was very attractive. Then she went to his account, and clicked on some of his other videos, where he was wearing normal clothes.
Wait a minute....
He looked better in normal clothes!
Was it really the maid dress that was attractive? Or was it just the guy?
Evelynn searched up "ugly guy in maid dress."
Yup. It was definitely the guy that was attractive. Not the dress.
Evelynn got back to studying.
"Wow," she thought. "I feel bad for the guys who buy maid dresses, thinking that it will make them attractive."
To be continued...
