I like to be scared,
Except at night
When I attempt to sleep and
I am haunted
Shapes morph into monsters
Their darkness my unsafety blanket.
But on the nights when I am not frightened
I am haunted by a specter far worse
and most foul.
Memories of all my lies
secrets
mistakes.
My mother said that I could go that night,
Yet I told you she refused to grant me permission
Because I could not stand
the idea of
facing you,
Not after I faced him
and his ceiling as he crawled atop me
and fingered me.
Painfully pounding his digits into me,
Trying to thrust happiness inside me
Fuck the sadness right out of my body.
But that is not how it works.
Every time he entered me
All the badness came too
More self hatred
More Anxiety
More Sadness
Wrapped around his hands
Sticking to my walls
I couldn't wash it away.
