☆ ⨾ letters to toman

[9]

Dear Mikey,

What am I even supposed to say to you. Mikey sometimes I feel as though I know you, yet other times I feel like I'm talking to a stranger. There's something in you, something that's trying to claw right out of you. It's eating you alive and as much as I want to help you, I just can't.

There's a certain helplessness that washes over me. When your eyes seem darker than they usually are. How there's nothing when I look into them, like you're not there, like it's someone else I'm looking at. An entirely new entity that I don't know how to help.

You know exactly what I'm talking about. I don't even need to explain it further. Are you aware that side of you eventually takes over someday? That dark impulse of yours.

Mikey I know you can be kind. You care for everyone in Toman, you give leading them your all, and you even stuck around with a crybaby like me.

But I cant help being angry at you.

I'm angry over the fact that you promised you would watch over everyone, yet you completely disregarded yourself. Everyone else went on with their lives, pursuing good careers and yet there you were, in another gang— a more dangerous one than Toman is, as the leader.

I'm angry over the fact that you ended up killing everyone at some point. Did seeing them bring up memories of the way you used to be? Did they make you rethink everything you've done? But you were already in too deep, right. That seems like you Mikey; not believing that there's a second chance to make things right.

Maybe there isn't. Maybe everyone would've hated you. But I would rather have everyone alive and hating me than everyone dead.

Sano Manjiro, you're scum of the earth. I don't know when you'll read this, whether if I'm still there or not, but I want to tell you this now. You're a terrible person, yet good at the same time. You bring pain and suffering to others, yet you bring a sense of joy too.

How is it that you can be such a contradicting person? Do you know for certain what it is you want anyways? What is it that you see in the future when you think about yourself? Do you see someone who deals with drugs, mass killings, terrorizing women, and the like?

Mikey I don't know if you're aware of the damage you're causing everyone when you do these things. Why is it that you were the strongest fighter, bringing Toman to the very top, yet you succumbed so easily to that dark impulse of yours?

Your strength was in fighting. Mine was in never giving up. Who is stronger in this situation, where mental fortitude matters more than you expect? Who do you think, Sano Manjiro?

I can't be kind to you in this letter. You gave me a wonderful time in Toman. You were amazing. Everything you did, I admired. But I can't see you the same anymore. I want to help you. I want to save you. But you need to let me.

You have to let me save you. I can't do it if you don't let me. If you shut me off, shoot me, leave me for dead... I can't be of use to you if you do this. I've said that I want to save everyone. You're included in that.

And I won't give up until I do. You can try to stop me, try to remain in that self deprecating state of yours, but I'll always be there. I'll always come back. I'm stronger when it comes to not backing down, and I know you know this.

I still want to thank you. Thank you for letting me be in Toman. Thank you for hanging out with me. Although you were scary at first, I can see that friendly side of yours. So thank you for also looking out for me.

And I forgive you. For anything and everything that you've done in the future, I forgive you. You've done so many things, but even if I'm angry at you, I still forgive you. Don't take advantage of that. I won't be so forgiving next time.

Keep my words in mind, Sano Manjiro.

Sincerely,
Hanagaki Takemichi

[ End. ]