There Are No Answers // Falsettos

Wins and Losses

Of all the ways I imagined this would end, this wasn't one of them. But right now I'm just so fed up I don't care about anything except getting out of there. I don't know where I'm going to stay. Maybe I'll meet someone else. Crash at their place. That was a common occurrence.

It's not just Marvin. I know it's not just him. This relationship, this facade we kept up, that was both of us. We hardly ever talked about where it was going because we both knew, didn't we? God.

I can't believe, as I'm leaving my own home, that I let myself get so attached to him. To his family. To this, the thread we were hanging by. It's so ridiculous.

This is what I was trying to avoid. This was why I refused to let myself get comfortable, and still I did. I know it was wrong, but relationships seem to be so much easier when you just don't care. If only I had done that.

But the more I think about it, the more I wonder how it would have turned out. If I didn't care, I wouldn't have bonded with Jason. I wouldn't have spent those long quiet evenings helping Trina in the kitchen. Would I? And Marvin cared too. He got divorced for me. How could I live up to that?

It doesn't matter anyway. It's all over now. I have a long internal conversation with myself while I'm on the subway, heading nowhere in particular. Like I said before. As much as I'd like to believe this was purely Marvin's fault, it may have been mine just as much. We knew the relationship was getting more serious, more than I was used to, and more than I was ready for. We didn't talk about that. I wanted to. A lot. But I stopped myself. Because I don't think he was ready for that either.

That was my problem. I viewed love as a game, as some sort of achievement, a winner and a loser. I played around with my feelings because I wasn't ready to admit how I actually felt.

And now it's gone. Just... over.

I want to hate myself for this. For screwing this up, my one chance at maybe winning the game. But I don't, I don't have the energy for that. I just sit there, with my suitcase, not knowing where I'm going to end up.

If somebody walked up to me right there on the subway, sat down, and asked me, "did you really love Marvin?" I honestly wouldn't know what to say.

Relationships were different. At least they used to be. It was never "love." It was more like I was taking anything I could get. But it's not like that with Marvin. And that's what scared me.

Do I love him? No.

But there was definitely something to our relationship. Something I couldn't let go of. Until I did.

Screw this. It's hot and stuffy on the subway, and my back aches from this seat. I get off at the next stop. I'll just walk.

And life goes on. No surprise. It's different now, from before I met Marvin. But it doesn't matter.

I'm living on my own now, and I'm doing perfectly fine. I take care of myself, and I stick to my old schedule, and it's fine.

I'm at the grocery store today. It has a weird feeling to it. I've been in here so many times, but it feels unusual now. Unfamiliar.

I'm maneuvering my shopping cart through the aisles, narrowly missing a produce bin, when I run right into somebody else.

"Oh, shit, I'm s—" I stop short. It's Trina. I can see the engagement ring on her left hand, shimmering in the dull store light.

She looks at me and her eyes widen in surprise. "Oh! Whizzer. It's nice to see you again."

"You too," I return. "How are things? How's Jason doing?"

"He's... alright," she says, dusting her hands off. "We're all alright. How's Marvin?"

How's Marvin. "Oh. I don't know. We... we broke up a while ago," I tell her.

She gives me a look of sympathy. "I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it." I'm telling myself the same thing. It has gotten easier, I notice.

"Okay," Trina replies. "...I wish you well."

"Yeah, you too," I say as she starts walking past. I don't know if I should say something else, maybe congratulate her on her engagement? But that would be weird. "Oh, Trina, one more thing?" She turns around. "Say hi to Jason for me."

She nods slowly. "Sure thing."

"Thank you." And then we're off in our separate directions, and it's like we never ran into each other. But I continue my day feeling just a little bit lighter, like maybe things are changing for the better.

I hope the kid does okay. I hope they all do.