There Are No Answers // Falsettos

Or If

Charlotte comes into my hospital room early the next morning, before I'm even awake. So when I do wake up and see her standing at the foot of my bed, looming over me, it's not a very pleasant surprise.

"Oh, Jesus, Charlotte, did you have to wake me up like that?" I ask her. "What do you so urgently need?"

"Well, I see you've still got your sarcastic charm," she hums. "I just wanted to talk a bit with you. About your situation, check in with how you're feeling, let you know how things are going to go."

I frown slightly. How things are going to go? Like she's got the rest of my stay planned out for me. Like I'm at a luxury hotel. "What exactly do you mean by that?"

"Don't worry one bit, Whizzer. Here, I'll let you talk first. Tell me what's on your mind." She comes over and sits down on the end of the bed, careful not to squish my feet.

I sigh. "I don't know what's on my mind. There's so much going on right now. Why did this suddenly happen? I was fine when you guys visited. Don't you remember?"

She pauses. "I mean, you were doing all right. I guess I noticed you were more lethargic than usual after we got there, but I didn't think much of it. I wish..." She stops herself. "Anyway. Continue. With what you were—"

"Right," I respond. "I just... everyone is telling me that I'm going to get better. But I don't know if I can believe it, and I don't know if any of them can believe it, and I hate that I'm putting the kid through this, out of all people, he doesn't deserve that."

Charlotte pats the back of my hand empathetically. "I know everything is difficult right now. And we're— we're trying our best, but I'll be honest, we're figuring it out as we go. If I have any other news for you whatsoever I promise I'll come right here to deliver it."

"Thanks. Just don't loom over my bed like you did just now."

She laughs. "I won't."

"I guess I'll be seeing you?" I say as she starts to get up.

"Yeah, I have a little more work to do. I'll check back in in a bit." She heads toward the door and when she opens it I see Trina standing outside, looking anxious. "Well, it looks like you have another visitor," Charlotte announces. To Trina she says, "Just make yourself comfortable, I'll be right out in the hall."

Trina nods and walks in. I tilt my head to look at her. "Hey, Trina. What brings you here?"

"Oh, I just wanted to... I don't know... see how you were doing." She sets her purse down and comes over to where I lie. "So. How are you doing."

"Hmm. Could be better."

She looks at me. "I'm sorry that we didn't stay for long yesterday. There were so many people, and it seemed like you were getting overwhelmed..."

"Don't worry about it," I assure her. "I mostly didn't like the sense of false hope everyone had. They're trying to see it like I'll be out of the hospital in just a day or two when everybody knows..." I don't finish, because whatever I was about to say is implied.

"Yes. Well. About that. Mendel and I spoke to Jason after we visited you. We asked if, you know, with everything going on, he'd like to cancel his bar mitzvah. And he told us he wanted to wait until you got better."

Oh. "What did you tell him?"

She shrugs. "We told him the truth. We don't know when... or if..."

It's the "or if" that hits me. The first time somebody's been honest about what could really happen. It has more of an impact on me than I expected it to.

"And we told him it was his decision," she goes on. "I suppose that for these past few months, Marvin and I have made the bar mitzvah decisions about ourselves rather than about Jason, and he got mad when we offered to leave this up to him."

"I get it," I reply. "This is some pretty heavy stuff for a kid his age to deal with."

"He's been through a lot, hasn't he."

Neither of us says anything for a while. I don't know why Trina's here, other than to tell me about Jason's plans for the bar mitzvah. That can't be the only reason, can it? Before I can wonder this aloud, she speaks again.

"I never meant to make you feel..." She pauses to think of the right word. "...unwelcome. I hope you know that. I was in a bad place when I first met you, and you seemed like the easiest person to blame."

"Hey, I wasn't totally in the right either," I say.

"I know. But also, recently, I feel like I've come off somewhat cold to you."

I give her a completely straight face. "What do you mean?"

"You know. The other week. When you gave us that nice salt lamp." I snort at the memory before Trina continues. "It's not that I don't like you, Whizzer. It's just... the circumstances. With you and Marvin back together, I knew I shouldn't have felt that way about it, but I did."

"Yeah. You can't just let go of something that quickly. I suppose that's why I was so hesitant to start dating Marvin again. Not because of you, per se, but because of, I guess, our past."

She bites her lip in thought. "I just want you to know that I appreciate your company to Marvin. And Jason adores you." She laughs. "You should hear how he talks about you. And, hell, he tracked you down just to invite you to a baseball game."

"It was more of a coincidence that he ran into me in the first place, but..." I smile. "You know, sometimes I feel like he resents me somehow, for everything that happened, and then I look at that kid and there's not an ounce of that I see in him."

Trina puts her hand on the bedpost. "I doubt he's ever resented you. And I guess I never could, either. Though I wanted to." She lets out a sigh. "Life is just hard."

"I know."

"I hope that... you and I can put aside some of our differences. I'd like to be here for you."

"I'd like that too." I smile and she returns it. Then she picks her purse back up and checks the time.

"I'll be heading out. Goodbye, Whizzer."

"Bye, Trina."

And so she does. I find myself feeling happy for the first time in a while, and not overcome with exhaustion. Above all else, I'm glad that Trina and I got a chance to talk more. Before whatever may happen. If and when it does.