Private Property

8

Dear diary, I cried for the first time in a long time today. I was in English and we were discussing Romeo and Juliet. The final scene. Danny raised his hand. His words still ringing in my ears. " why would someone even do that in he first place? Suicide? I mean, just cause you have lost someone you love. It just all seems pretty stupid to me." "But Romeo and Juliet had lost each other. They wanted nothing more than to be with each other no matter what the cost. If death was the barrier between them, they would conquer it to be together." He was trashing Shakespeare! On his writing ability! Shakespeare! I tried to defend myself but he kept coming back with more arguments. Not only because Shakespeare is you know..... Shakespeare but because his words cut like hot knives. "You don't get it. They had lost the love of their life. Grief took over them and in the heat of the moment it just happened. You don't know what that's like..."

" Oh... and you do?"

"Well... one can only imagine"

" when my Nan died I didn't consider death to be the only possible outcome of happiness. So he thought that his girlfriend died... you cry and honour their memory. You don't sacrifice your life to be with them 'somewhere else'. It's just not logical. Do you really think that they would want the other to die?! " As he said the last few lines my eyes welled up with the tears I had suppressed for months on end. Mrs Burns saw and ushered me out of the classroom. As soon as I left boundary of my English classroom I bolted and made a zip line to the girls bathroom and locked myself in a cubical where no one would see me cry. I let it all out. Mrs Burns must have sent Jack to look for me because I could hear him calling. " Emily! Em! Where are you?!" My voice cracked as told him to go away.

" is there anyone else in there besides you Em?" He said hesitantly from the doorway

"Maybe..."

He risked it and came in. " Em, please come out. I'm in the girls toilet and I feel REALLY weird. "

I unlocked the cubical but still couldn't look at him. Against my struggles, the tears still streamed down my face. He stood there and opened his arms just as my father did. I slowly walked over to him and wrapped my arms around him and sank in his embrace. His iron grip somehow comforting. Like he knew what I was going through. He looked me in the eyes and in a voice just louder than a whisper he said, " listen. I don't expect you to tell me what's going on. Just know that I am here for you ok. I know it has something to do with the words Danny said, but I don't know how deep. Danny is an idiot all the time anyway. Just know that I know what you are going through. The suicide hurdle is a hard one to get over, by you must never stop running. Now, if you are ready we can walk out of here together... please. It's really weird in here and I feel like a creep. "

I laughed, and really meant it. Nothing fake in my voice or smile. Real laughter. If only he knew just how deep those words cut into my skin. "why would someone even do that in the first place? Suicide? I mean, just cause you have lost someone you love. It just all seems pretty stupid to me." Jack DIDNT know what i was going through. No one but you ever truly understands the depth of your own actions. They dont know what its like to lose everyone that tou have ever loved. They don't understand the thoughts rushing through your head. They don't get the fact that you think that ending your life is better than living it. They can't fathom their thoughts like you did yours. How hard it is to put on a happy face while you are feeling dead inside. And how hard it is to keep it all inside when someone is ripping at your morals. How difficult it is to see someone knowing that they are the only reason you are still here. That they saved you when you couldn't save yourself. Well I have to face that everyday when I see Johnny. Yeah. I tried. After Mum died i went to a really dark place and did some things that i regret. Lucky for me he saw me and stopped me just in time. Stopping was the hardest thing that I have ever faced, and even now I still feel the temptation. But I now know he consequences and how it will affect those around me, and THAT is much worse.

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Sorry for such a long entry today guys! It kinda just exploded...

Anyways... love you's all!!!!! ^.^