Private Property

13

Dear diary, today after months of procrastination we finally took down the christmas tree. I know that it's time. Christmas was an eternity ago, but I couldn't help by want it there always. This was the first Christmas without mum and dad. It was the first day in forever that we were actually happy. The laughs and smiles were ALL real. It was always the best time of the year. But now, all our memories are just that. No more than words and images in my head, bottled up with all the others. I can't bring myself to do this anymore. I don't want to end my life, I just want to fix it. I am broken and I'm not sure if I can be repaired. My happiness was locked away in he cupboard with all the decorations. My memories sealed in boxes. And with the tree went my hope. Into the cupboard where I will find it next Christmas when I have the renewed holiday cheer. Is that what my life is doomed to become now? Where gloom is the norm. I can still remember the days when I couldn't shake the smile off my face. Nothing could rain on my parade and I lived everyday thinking it would be better than the last… where did that girl go? The one who was under normal circumstances. Who had everything she ever wanted. I needed HER. Not me. Now, I wake up everyday with the same mind set only to have it shattered as soon as I walk downstairs. I expect the rain and invite it in without a fight. I don't even try anymore. Have I just accepted that this is my pathetic excuse for a life? I call it a life but I'm not even really living. I have everything and yet, I still complain about it. Like nothing will ever be good enough for me. I have every right to be thankful for what I have been given in his new town. I've been given a new life. A new beginning. But I still can't get over the ending of my old one. I'm trying to start a new chapter in my life while I'm still rereading the last one. But I guess that's it though. It'll happen when it does. Until then I'm stuck here waiting. In my sad little bubble feeling sorry for myself. Just waiting for it to pop open so I can live the life I'm dreaming of.