I Deposited Money, He Withdrew My Heart

Chapter 13

Part of me wants to wait until the weekend to see Julian, just so I can pretend everything is fine until then. But I know I can't do that, so as Will drives me back to school I pull out my phone and call his number. He doesn't answer, but it goes to voicemail.

"Hey Julian, it's Joc." I pause for a second, not knowing what to say. "I just, need to see you, and talk to you. Please call me when you can, ok? Bye."

When I hang up, my hands are shaking, and it feels like I'm going to cry. Will's hand finds mine and gives it a reassuring squeeze.

"It's gonna be ok," he says with a smile.

I can't help myself, and I start crying. I feel like a right idiot, but who cares? "What if it's not," I say through my sobs. "What if I've ruined things between Julian and me?" Then a thought occurs to me, and I cry even harder. "What if I've ruined things between you and Julian? What if I break up The Collective?"

Will pulls the car over, and I'm pretty sure he's laughing at me. "It's gonna be fine Joc, ok? So just don't stress." He leans over and hugs me awkwardly in the car, and it's at that moment that my phone starts to ring.

"Oh shit," I mumble, noticing it's Julian. I was kind of hoping I'd have more time. I slide my finger across the screen where Julian's smiling face currently is. I reminisce quickly about the day when I took that picture, but I'm quickly pulled back to reality. "Hi Julian."

"Hey, Joc, are you ok?" Julian asks immediately.

"I just- um, are you free? Anytime soon?" I manage to get out.

"I have like, an hour free now. But that's about it. Are you at school?" Julian's voice is filled with concern.

"I need to come see you. Where are you?" I ask.

Julian tells me the address of a hotel, and keeps asking questions even though I don't answer any of them. I tell him I'll see him soon and then hang up. I give Will the address, though of course he knows where it is.

All too soon I'm sitting in Will's car out the front of the large hotel.

"Do I have to go in?" I joke quietly, but I don't smile or laugh.

"You'll be right," Will says quietly. "Do you want me to wait here?"

I shake my head. "No. If I get stranded, I'll call Amy or something." I look at my phone and it's almost time for school to be over anyway.

"Good luck," Will says with a smile. "You won't need it anyway."

I take a deep breath, get out the car and head for the floor and room that Julian told me. I knock and I can't help but notice how much my hands are shaking.

The door swings open and Julian is standing there, looking rather dishevelled. "Hey," he says and moves aside to let me in. "What's wrong Jocelyn? Seriously, you're freaking me out."

I walk inside and keep my eyes on the floor, making my way over to the couch and sitting down. "I need to talk to you ok? And I need you to promise to just hear me out, please."

"Yeah, ok," he says, sitting down beside me. "Just tell me, I'm dying over here."

"Will and I kissed," I say, because there's no way to make it sound any less horrible.

Julian looks like he's gone into shock. His blue eyes look vacant and seem to see right through me. "You kissed Will?" he asks, colour slowly coming back to his face.

"No," I say quickly. "He kissed me." I regret saying that, because he looks furious. "Julian, you promised to hear me out," I say when it looks like he's about to flip out. When he recovers a little I go on. "It was the night of the X Factor final, and Ellise had just broken up with him. I was trying to comfort him, and he kissed me."

"Some friend," Julian spits, his face contorted with anger.

Now for the hard part. "I didn't stop him," I admit, wishing I could take it all back now that I see his face looking more hurt than I've ever seen. "I kissed him back," I whisper.

Julian breaks into a smile, but it's one of disbelief. "Great. My best friend and my girlfriend. That's fantastic."

"Julian," I say quickly. "Let me explain everything ok?"

"What more is there to explain?" Julian says, standing and running his hands through his hair.

"A lot!" I snap, angry that he's breaking his promise. Though I guess I broke the promises first - I broke the promise to not cheat that comes along with being a good girlfriend.

"Oh, well I'm sorry then. Clearly I've misunderstood everything. Please explain!" he says sarcastically.

"I liked Will, ok?" I practically yell. "I used to like Will. But now I like you. I don't like Will anymore," I say with certainty.

"Does Will know all this? You two sorted it out?" Julian snaps.

I look down sheepishly, because I still haven't told him about today, about the second kiss. "We talked it through, today."

Julian goes quiet. "You spoke to him about it before you spoke to me?"

"I had to sort it out with him," I say stupidly.

"And you two felt nothing for each other?" Julian demands.

"We thought we did, but we don’t," I reply, my voice barely above a whisper. I can't lie to him. "We kissed again. We felt nothing at all." My voice raises quickly, trying to enforce that it was nothing.

Julian's chest moves up and down rapidly as he sucks in air. "You kissed again. Ok." Without another word he walks to the door, and my feet follow after him. I'm thrown off guard when he spins around to face me, his blue eyes raging. "Tell me something, since you're in the mood for sharing. If you had felt something when you kissed him again, what were you going to do?" He waits expectantly as I stand mutely. "Tell him too bad? Start a secret relationship behind my back? Leave me for him?"

"Julian please," I beg, tears now streaming down my face, because I have nothing else that I can possibly say. "I'm so sorry."

Julian's face goes blank and then he stares at me, eyes blinking like he's just realised what he's said. He gives me a sad look, and for a second I think he might calm down enough to talk rationally. "No, I'm sorry Jocelyn. I'm sorry that I'm not Will." And with that, he walks out of the room.

I stand alone in the hotel room for ten minutes before I pull out my phone and text Amy with shaking hands.

Fifteen minutes later I'm out the front, getting into her car.

"What happened?" she asks me solemnly.

I can't look at her as I reply. "Julian and I broke up."