/𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐒\ [𝒔. 𝒃𝒍𝒂𝒄𝒌]

𝟔.𝟜.𝟣

"of all the liars in the world, sometimes the worst are our own fears." ~ Rudyard Kipling

~october 1976~

The boys' dormitory was filled with smoke, but James didn't care. He'd swiped a pack of cigarettes from Sirius, so he didn't feel bad about smoking all of them. He did feel a little bad about the smell, but the window behind him was open so it wasn't too strong. He was slouched against the backboard of his bed with one thought on his mind. Lily. He'd been playing a little game with himself where he tried, really tried, to think of anything else, and every time he thought of her, he had to light another cigarette. It was self-destructive, sure, and he usually left those tendencies to Remus, but he'd been in a bad mood for a few days now.

He just didn't know if he actually liked her. He couldn't get her out of his head, sure, but that had been the case for six years now. Thinking about her was habit, like brushing his teeth and getting out of bed. The red hair and green eyes lived in his mind as comfortably as the instinct to breathe. But that didn't really mean he loved her, right? It just meant he'd been thinking about her for so long, it was just a comfort now. He kept replaying something Artemis had said to him years back in his head. "You aren't in love with her, you're in love with the idea of her." Maybe that was true.

He'd been going back and forth for years. He felt like his life had been a never-ending game of she-loves-me-she-loves-me-not that always seemed to end on she-loves-me-not. And did he love her? That was the question. He didn't even know her that well. She was always untouchable, a constant reminder that he wasn't good enough, that he still acted like a little kid, that he'd never be enough for her. Then there was the issue of his friends. James had drug his friends through the mud so many times for Lily. He'd put her and Artemis's friendship at stake, he'd forced Sirius to fight Severus a number of times, and just last week, Lily had given Peter the wrong answers to a Potions assignment as payback for a prank James had played on her.

I've got to fix this, he thought at last, lighting up the last of the cigarettes. It's not working. She doesn't love me, no matter what, so why waste my time? He had to grow up. For Sirius, and Artemis, and for himself. He wanted to get the thought of her out of his head for once. Then, maybe he'd know whether what he felt for her was true love or not.

~

Artemis hesitated at the door to Bones's office. No- not Bones's. Tumblston's. She had to stop making that mistake. If she was going to get a perfect in the class that year, she was going to have to brave her fear of that office, go in there, and ask the professor the question she had about the homework. It was the only logical way through the situation. She raised a hand and knocked.

No answer.

She knocked again.

Silence.

She knew she should turn and go. Come back later. But it was too tempting. Something about the office was drawing her in, almost craving a little slice of how she felt last year. She pushed the door open.