Begin Again

Chapter 5~ Depression

Gale's P.O.V

I slam my door shut behind me and fist my hands in my hair. My pain, my anger, it all feels inexplicable. So I let a nasty string of cuss words tumble out of my mouth in a giant wave. I nearly roar to release my exasperation. I find the depression pills quickly and take a couple more than prescribed. I've found myself doing this way too often lately, but it's impossible to sit in grief. Once again I let my memories interfere with the present. There's no way I'll ever be seeing Kerlisa again. Or any other girl at all. From now on all I'll live with is my job, and my pills. I can't even say my job, my pills, and myself. Because I'm not myself. The Gale, the real Gale, the one I once was, is gone.

I don't make it to my bed tonight. I try, dragging my feet to the steps that lead me to my room upstairs, but end up sitting on the steps. All the terrifying images of what feels like only yesterday poisons my strength and will to do anything. In no time I've drifted into . . . nevertheless . . . nightmares. Not sleep or dreams. Sleep and dreams are completely different than nightmares. Sleep and dreams are peaceful and happy, nightmares are horrifying.

In the nightmares, I see a quick flash of my love wearing a dress made of white roses and blood. I also see mockingjays soaring in the skies only to be shot down one by one. Finally, I see what hurts me the worst. I see the girl in that dress I described, giggling with her sister probably about something pointless. She unravels her sister's blond braids and her hair falls to her waist in luscious waves. But all of the sudden, a boy appears. I recognize immediately who he is. He is me.

I hand the girl in the dress a brush, so she doesn't have to comb her sister's hair with her fingers as she is doing. She smiles in appreciation, but as soon as the brush comes in contact with hair, a spark of fire appears. The spark quickly climbs up the blond waves on either side until it has reached her roots and there is no more. As it begins to burn the rest of the girl, my love throws herself over her sister's body in devastation. She cries and weeps and screams. Screams at me. Because just like I am in real life, I'm the bad guy in the nightmare for killing her sister once again.

Have you ever held your breath for as long as you could underwater? Have you ever just pushed it as far as possible to see how long you'd last. The whole time you know you can come back up for air, but you keep telling yourself to push for one more second . . . and another . . . just one last one. You can feel the rapid beating of your heart and hear faded noises of the surface above you rather it's birds chirping or people talking. Then you become afraid because at some point it's like your slipping away and you think you'll be trapped underwater forever until you push yourself up into the surface. No longer submerged. But for a little bit the feeling lingers. As your breathing takes it's time to slow as well as your heart rate does, you feel almost as if you're still underwater until reality finally comes back and everything is normal. That's what it's like when you have a nightmare, except with mine, the feeling never goes away.

Nightmares are my reality. Like this one. Her sister did die. And it was my fault. And I've come to realize that reality stings and fairytales don't exist. Not in this world. If so, I'd have a happily ever after with the girl who is probably trying to have one with someone else. And in many ways I'd like to watch that relationship burn, but for the part of me that loves her I want it to survive. So her heart doesn't have to break. But then again, I could be the one to mend the pieces back together if it ever did. And the problem is that she'll never come to realize that.

Katniss's P.O.V

Would it be impossible to go back to that point in my past where my one friend vanished? It's ridiculous, I know, but in this moment I need the one person who I realize now knew everything about me. He knew everything I felt and underwent even if he was absent while it happened. But turning back that point in time is indeed an impossible ability. Now all I can do is wonder what I would've done if I knew he was going to leave? But in those times, I knew nothing of what I wanted anymore, so he would've been gone even if I had the option of preventing that. And I'd still be in the same situation I am today, ambling up the stairs somberly, hearing nothing in this house but the cluttering of dishes that Greasy Sae is washing. Normally, I'd help her, but she'd waved me off to bed before I'd even had the chance to offer.

Sleep is just what I need, but is again, another impossibility. It's my angst of having a nightmare that keeps me up the rest of the day and all through the night. I hardly even notice the darkening of the sky outside my window. I'm too weary, and concentrated on my thoughts. And not before long it is lightening up again, my room brightening with the sky. Closing the curtains is the only thing that beckons me to move a muscle. As soon as I close them, I flop back into bed and drift in and out of timeless sleeps that seems unbelievably short due to the presence of nightmares. The day seems to be dragging on which is why it surprises me when I see the sky darken once more through a tiny crack I unintentionally left open in the curtains. But when rain falls, I'm unsure if it's really nighttime or just the darkness of rainclouds that make the sky that way.

The only action that happened through the entire day was Greasy Sae coming to deliver me breakfast in the morning. But I'd pretended I was asleep as soon as I heard her light footsteps treading up the stairs. I felt bad, but a conversation and eating food was the last thing I wanted right then. Just like that time in my past not too long ago, I'm unsure of what I want. And it makes me wonder if this not knowing has just begun again, or never ended.

I tilt my head to look at the clock above my window and see that it's nighttime. Greasy Sae had left the food sitting on a small table that reaches the height of my bed at my bedside. I know it'd be cold if I ate it now, but I'm starving, and begin to think about eating it anyways. But before I know it, without the strength to fight off the heaviness in my eyes, I fall asleep. Not long after, I feel myself thrashing and hear the horrendous scream escape my throat. My hand hits something and the sound it makes when it plummets to the ground is what wakes me up with a start.

I alarmingly sit up, tightly clutching the pillow I hadn't realized I ever grabbed onto until now. I see the food Greasy Sae had prepared scattered on the ground in one huge mess. Guilt overcomes me that I'd wasted the food that she takes time out of her day to make. But it's not like I'd done this purposefully and that's somewhat of a relief because the guilt would hit me harder if it wasn't accidental. And I know rather than eating it I'd end up throwing the food away anyways. Then I'd feel terribly bad about myself.

Buttercup comes scurrying into the room at either the sound of the crash or maybe my screams. Either way, he seems unalarmed when he approaches the scene. He just nonchalantly begins to eat the food, making me realize I haven't done anything -like feed him- in nearly two whole days.

I stand up on two wobbly legs and make my way down the steps while gripping onto both rails. I'm afraid I might pass out if I don't do so. Drowsily, I poor Buttercup another serving of food and fill his empty water bowl for when he gets hungry shorty after he finishes his feast upstairs.

The house, I find, feels as empty as Buttercup's bowls were. It's the same as usual, but at the moment, the feeling of loneliness seems heavier. I try singing light and airy tunes to lighten the mood, but it does nothing to soothe the hollowness. I even play the game where Buttercup unsuccessfully tries to catch the laser that I control, but my laughs and this melancholy feeling stubbornly stays trapped inside me.

"It's hopeless, huh, Buttercup? You think we'll always be this lonely?" I ask stupidly to a clueless cat, switching off the laser. He meows pleadingly, unhappy I halted our game.

When I sit the laser down and lean to the side till I've fallen on the couch weakly, Buttercup comes to my side, snuggling into my stomach and purring in the warmth of my company. Perhaps he understands that I'm upset. It's possible. He always seemed to know when Prim was.

What's eating me is the memories that I can't change. Of course there's the big things; like the deaths I could've prevented, but I'm learning to live with that reality. I've spent much time grieving in the sadness of it. But it's the small things taking their toll now. It's their turn. And the small thing that bothers me most is of course not keeping Gale from leaving and especially all the moments I had with him that I took for granted.

I've learned to accept that I won't be able to reverse what happened to the people that died, or make up for anytime that I did them wrong. So maybe the reason I can't stop thinking about Gale is because I know, deep down, that if I wanted to, I could change things. But the question is: Do I have enough strength and desire to do so?