"Thana. I'm here, always. But you chose not to say it to me. It hurts because you still haven't trust me that fully yet I'm your sister. I should always be there for you, I should've been there so this wouldn't have crossed your mind. I failed as your sister."
'Yan ang tumatak sa isip ko. Ang sinabi ng kapatid ko.
I had my dilemmas and doubts back then, too many that I can't even bear to stand it. Failing grades, family problems, break up, schoolworks, friendship ruined. Then it hit me. I couldn't stand all of this shit. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of my life. Suicide is the only thing running through my mind that time. The only thing that'll make me at peace. Away from all of this. Away from my dilemmas.
I slit my wrists and watched my own blood flow. And everything started to blur, and I couldn't see clearly anymore. I could only hear fading footsteps, and that's when everything went black.
I woke up and opened my eyes. I roamed my eyes around the room. White. I could hear voices outside. Familiar voices.
"She almost killed herself, Ric!"
"Calm down, Amer."
"How am I supposed to calm down?! Ric, she's also your daughter! Pa'no mo nagagawang kumalma?"
"Sabi ng doctor, ayos na siya. Amer, there's nothing to worry about."
"Ric, minahal naman natin siya ah? Binigay natin lahat, pinalaki natin sila ng maayos ng ate niya. P-pero bakit?"
"Ma. . . Pa. . ." It's my sister.
"Trina. . ."
I closed my eyes and stopped listening. I tried to sleep again, but failed. I heard the door creaked open.
"Thana. . . Sis, I know you're awake." Since she knew I was, I opened my eyes surprise to see only her in this room. I sat up and looked at her.
"Where's Mama and Papa?"
"Mama still can't handle and accept the fact that you tried to commit suicide. Papa's there for her naman." I stayed silent and looked at the floor.
"Thana. . . Why?" I looked at her and stared.
Trina, she's strong. I envy her. She looked at the brighter side of things and always stay positive. While me on the other side, is the opposite. I don't know how to handle things. Trina's one year older than me. I'm the cry-baby to the two of us. She doesn't cry that easily, I know that since we've known each other more than we know ourselves. I haven't seen her cry for like forever. But now's different. She's crying. In front of me. The tears I'm holding back came flowing to my cheeks. I told her eveything. What I was feeling. What I felt for every thing.
She told me that she failed me. But no, I was the one who failed her. Who failed them. I wasn't that strong to overcome my dilemmas. I wasn't that strong to stand tall and continue my life.
Later on, Mama and Papa forgave me and gave me their biggest and warmest hug.
After that, I came closer to God. He helped me.
Because of what happened on the past, I know how to handle things better. I started to become strong and believed that I will overcome everything life gives me. Life's a bitch indeed. It gives you so much heart aches and troubles; it's up to you on how you face and answer them.
I'm now happily living my life, given 3 angels by God and a loving and supportive husband. I don't know what to do without my family's help back then, especially to my sister who's been, will be, and is still my best-est sister and girl friend God has given me.
If I ended my life and if my sister hadn't come home and went upstairs to my room, I wouldn't have lived this happily in my life.
Suicide is not the best answer. When you are in pain, and you are suffering and you feel there is no hope, remember, there are people out there who truly loves you. Yes, life gives you too much that you think you cannot handle anymore, but remember that giving your life up isn't the answer. Come to God, and He will help you.
I'm Thana, signing off. :)
XxPuchelletheCatxX
© April 10, 2015
