Chevelle's Story

chapter 24.2

When I think of my future, I am most afraid of:

If I had tried to answer this a year ago, I would've said never going back to Ayiti, but now I know that I will. Even if it doesn't happen in March, after Roseline's wedding, I still know I'll be back. As soon as I have my shit more together, I'm leaving this godforsaken country. So my biggest fear now, I guess, is being used again. Being hurt again by someone I love. Maybe not in the way Farah hurt me since I don't think it's possible for someone to hurt me more than that, but maybe in the way that Jared hurt me. The way Abel hurt me.

I'm scared of finally, finally moving past all my fear and choosing to trust someone again, only to realize that they never really loved me. That it was all a joke to them. And the worst part about a fear like that is that you can't protect yourself from it unless you close absolutely everyone out from your heart. And I don't want to do that. I want to love again, because as bad as the lows can be, I've come to realize that life frankly just is not worth living without it.

What do I do that holds me back the most in life?

I put other people's feelings before my own needs, sacrificing myself to please people that, most of the time, aren't even grateful for the sacrifice.

I become attached to anyone who I feel gets me even a little bit. I try to use them to fill me up. To give me what I know I can't give to myself. And the crazy part is that I can give those things to myself. I can absolutely fill myself up, I just have to take the time to get to know myself like that. To love myself like that. On that deep a level. I just need to cut out all the distractions—all the noise—so that I can hear my own voice as it speaks to me.

So I guess what holds me back the most is the fact that I don't love myself the way I should. The fact that I haven't taken the time to get to know myself, and therefore, cannot make decisions that align with my divine purpose.

Am I okay with the fact that not everyone will like me? Why or why not? How does this make me feel?

Yeah. Everybody's never liked me, so I'm used to it. I don't really care because I don't like most people anyway. I just want the people I love to care about me and that's pretty much it.

What emotion do I try to avoid the most? Why am I afraid of letting myself feel these emotions?

Hopelessness. Helplessness.

I guess I'm afraid to truly let myself feel these things because the last time I leaned into those emotions, I tried to kill myself. And I'm afraid that I'd do it again. That this time, I'd succeed.

How does the feeling of envy show up in my life? Where does it come from?

Envy honestly doesn't show up in my life that often nowadays. I felt it more as a child, especially when I couldn't do the things I wanted to do for myself. Now, with more money, it's not as much of a problem.

It was showing up a lot over the Christmas holiday, but those were obviously special circumstances. Having one's past relationship shoved down their throat is bound to make anyone feel a little envious. Now that I've left that house, I feel so much more at peace. And now that I've set that boundary with my parents—that I won't be going back while Farah and Jared are still together—it's no longer even an issue. I know I won't have to ever be in that situation again, and I honestly feel like I've been set free. Their relationship is their business, and I don't have to make it about me. I don't have to make it a part of my life.