Drown For Me//Colson Baker

twenty six

For days i've been forcing myself out of the bed. Colson and Casie both have felt like i've been getting better, but my mind stays the same. I force myself out of bed to make them feel better but I think it's hurting me more.

The days have been going on and on and I have to clue what day it is, night time being my only indicator that days are passing. I feel numb but in so much pain all at once. But I feel guilty, I was the one who cheated on Pete and broke his heart. I deserve the hate I've gotten from the story leaking, so why do I feel this way when I was in the wrong? I feel so gross. 

Colson had friends over, and so did Casie. I sat with them as they talked and laughed with each other, but I couldn't do the same. If they say something to me I smile but I can't say anything. They don't seem to notice, but the sudden hand on my back from Colson tells me otherwise.My mouth wont open, the least it does is fake a smile but my frown feels permanent. I want to be alone so bad. I hate myself so much, why can't the pain just stop? I put it on myself, it's all my fault. Why can't I move on?

"Are you okay?" He whispers in my ear, I nod and smile softly at him, still not talking.

"Are you sure?" I nod again, smile again. He squints and decides to leave it alone. 

It feels like forever before their friends leave. It's deep into the night when they do and I quickly went into Colsons room. The silence surrounds me, but it becomes dangerous. Terrible thoughts swarms my brain and I squeeze my eyes shut. Why wont they stop!? I just want peace!

"Valarie, what's wrong?" Colson asks again stepping in front of me. I shake my head and I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. Why can't I just speak? Talk! Be normal!

"Why aren't you talking?" He asks lowering his voice to a calming whisper. He waits for a reply but doesn't get one. I feel tears fall down my face as my face becomes a shade of pink. I shrug my shoulders and he furrows his eyebrows together. 

He wraps his arms around me, holding me in silence and again the thoughts came back. I want to scream, grabs handfuls of my hair and pull it out of my head. I just want this to stop. I feel like I have no control anymore, I have no strength. 

A migraine welcomes itself to me, fatigue coming with it. I suck in my breath trying to get the words out of my mouth that I want to lay down. Seconds pass before I can. 

"lay down," I say so low i'm sure he doesn't hear, but It didn't make sense in the first place. 

"You want me to lay down?" He asks, looking down at me like he was trying to solve a problem. 

Again I suck in breath and pray I can talk, "no," I blink "me."

"O-okay." He says stepping back and scratching his head. He waits for me to walk to the bed but my feet don't move. He raises his eyebrows and nods like he solved the problem he need to solve. He puts his hand on my forearm and guides me to the end of the bed letting me sit down. He then walks to the closet where he disappears for a second before coming back with one of his shirts. He puts the shirt beside me and lifts my arms up himself as he slowly takes my shirt off. He puts his shirt over my head before gently taking my pants off. He reaches around my head and unclips my hair letting it fall around my shoulders. 

He begins to walk to my side of the bed. He takes the covers and pulls them back and motions me to crawl over. I do, slowly as if i had no strength, which I didn't. He watches me lay down and he tucks me in, kissing my forehead. There's so much silence, it's so incredibly loud. 

He leaves the room, leaving me alone. Thoughts get louder and louder and I put my hands on my head. My breathing becoming heavy and I beg for it to stop to myself. I hit myself as I beg. 

Colson comes back, closing the door and I heard a thump on the floor before the sound of a fan turns on. The thoughts become slowly quiet as they move to the back of my head. Colson climbs into bed after turning the lights off. Wrapping his arms around me he kisses the side of my face, "It's gonna be okay." he says. 

The migraine feels unbearable and I feel like my head is gonna explode. I just want it to stop.