CRUXHAVEN
Ricven's Domain
Population: 67.22 million motherfuckers and growing!
Cruxhaven, a nexus realm in the multiverse. Many travelers from worlds beyond find themselves at home away from home. You can find anything in Cruxhaven. Stop and rest your weary bones at The Sandman's Palace of R & R. Looking to wet your whistle? Well, The Crux Bar & Grill in the cut of Spear & Hammer Avenue has the meats and the treats. Looking to get into some sports? Well, look no further. Catch an orcish game of strikeball at Stonehold Arena. And for you discount-loving Karens out there, shop until you drop down at Cruxhaven Citadel's Golden Strip, where coupons never expire (though some exclusions may apply)!
Last we saw Cruxhaven, the massive castle built into a mountain was empty as a married man's joint bank account. It wasn't until Ricven stumbled into Cruxhaven's secret zone, unlocking its potential as the nexus realm ultimately became a bustling haven of heroes and underdogs.
High up in Cruxhaven's citadel tower rested Ricven McQueen. Our most despised and revered Hero of Heroes sat surrounded by a gang of high-induced pixies passing around one of Ricven's blunts. Too busy baking themselves into a weed coma up in Ricven's Chamber of Oo's and Awe's.
He was sitting in his big comfy chair by a big flaming hearth, smoking a big ass blunt while the pixies tossed a smaller variant among each other. The blunt spun to the next stoned sprite as they lazed about in the air. His favorite elven-grade weed called Dragon Grass, or Dragon Gas, as Ricven said it best. For it was as loud as all get-out and hit like a dragon. Hence the name. One would become higher than American gas prices during the summer as the world around them became a dream. A magical space-out that lulled Ricven into a bliss so magnificent that the song "So High" by Krizz Kaliko mysteriously played inside his head.
Or, was everyone hearing it and not just him, me, the pixies, and you, the reader?
This musical mystery of origin was not a riddle at all. For it was Ricven's doing. His bizarre abilities concentrated into those fantastic pair of 'air-pods' he wore, Bebops by Lyric was the brand name, created by the famous bard and machinist Bebop himself. Who lived in a fantastic city on a fantastical planet in a universe far away. So, it was evident that Ricven was in his deepest level of chill mode ever.
Until an explosion of portal light fucked Ricven and pixie's whole vibe up. One of the pixies nearly fumbled their blunt before diving in to catch it in a drop and tumble. Landing on its back on the floor's fluffy rug before taking a long drag, exhaling a thick mist in stoned triumph.
The portal ripped into existence close by Ricven's chill spot next to the fire. From its rift shot three little figures, elves (they looked like elves), dressed in greens and reds and whites, the darker one sporting a thick chain with a gold candy cane hanging from its links.
What in the jingle belling fuck, thought Ricven as he had the most dopey stoner-grade look on his freckled mug. He glanced at the elves like they were stupid. The pixies kept floating around, getting high.
"Ricven McQueen!" shouted the elves. The three plopped out of the portal and onto the floor like a bunch of jingling toy gnomes. They were, in fact, living, breathing toys the size of gnomes, no taller than your average five-year-old, with their pointy elf hats and pointy elf shoes and pointy elf ears that twitched in a panicky fit. "We're in trouble. Krampus has kidnapped Santa!"
Ricven watched the frantic elves with the goofiest high-induced grin ever. He wasn't sure if they were real or just the effects of that dragon gas—the good shit. "Damn. This shit's phenomenal," he was complimenting the weed before focusing on the matter at hand. "Krampus? Santa? Kidnapped? Hold up, my G." His baffled frown spoke absolute volumes. He still believed that the weed had him seeing shit.
Am I trippin'? Ricven's thoughts exactly.
The chocolate-looking elf with the bright green eyes stood out from the two scrambling to pick themselves up; the fall out from the portal had them all fucked up. "No!" shouted the dark elf in a cartoony arm-waving panic of hand gestures and other animated expressions that had every little bell on him jingling. "This is it—the piss in the snow. We're talkin' Code Yeti shit here, man. Krampus really did bag the big guy."
Ricven arched a brow. His leafy blunt slow-burning in hand, he kept staring the three elves down like they were visions. The high hit him so hard that they were too vivid to take seriously. But he did. Because Ricven McQueen was goofy as fuck. "And how did the fat guy manage to get his jolly ass snatched?"
The elf with the bigger nose pitched in. "We don't know." He placed a finger on his nose to think. "Mrs. Claus' space cakes maybe caught him slipping maybe?"
"There was no sign of struggle," said the hazel-eyed elf. "He just poofed!"
"With this left in his absence!" The big nose elf quickly extended a half-charred letter for Ricven to read.
The letter was crudely written and smelled like barbeque, the result of being burned, or was Krampus eating ribs while constructing this poorly-written note?
ATTN MrsClauz!
Gt Whytberd.
Ur dayz r nunberd.
Ha haha!
~Hate, K
Ps: fuk dem kids.
Ps+: imma clap dem cheekz!
Ricven snorted. "Damn." He grinned. "Grammar Nazis are gonna lose their dicks big time over this one."
The elf with the gold on thrust his index finger at Ricven. "Which is why we need your help to go find the big boss before Christmas!"
"Okay." He folded up the letter and carelessly tossed it over his chair. "Well, isn't this a holly jolly clusterfuck?" He took the longest pull of his blunt before sitting back in his big comfy chair, then looked straight at you. "Whelp. You see that, readers? I'm saving Santa Clause. This should be an event for the history books."
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FantasyWARNING! This novel is an unconventional work of fiction. Anything you may read in the following episodes is solely created out of sheer satirical coincidence and is NOT to be taken out of ANY context OTHER than it being RIDICULOUSLY entertaining as...
