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[2021 BONUS] CANCEL CHRISTMAS!: EPISODE 6: NAUGHTY OR NICE!

KRAMPUS KEEP
If you made it this far then, you already know what it is!

Ricven sighed with a bit of a tired slouch. It was never a good sign when the enemy refused to stay down. "Ah, come on!"

"Children should be punished!" Krampus snapped at them. "Father Christmas—you reneged on our deal!"

"My change of heart is in the best place," Santa humbly explained. "Every sentient being alive deserves a chance at happiness, naughty or nice."

Ricven gave Santa a funny look. "I have to agree with Krampus on this one. Badass kids are badass kids. A lump of coal for their misdeeds teaches them the will of karma. How else are they to realize right from wrong?" He shrugged. "Can't be giving them participation trophies for being little shits."

"Well, when you put it that way," said Stuffer. The other two elves met in agreement.

"You don't understand, Ricven," Santa explained. "With each naughty kid, Krampus grows in power. I changed the game by offering Krampus to enchant his misfortune in lumps of coal to deliver safe punishment for those who are not nice. Amid our deal, Krampus secretly influenced many children into mischief, feeding his power. It is because of his shady tactic that we are here in this moment."

Everyone eyed Krampus like the guilty monster he was.

"Krampus," said Ricven, sounding like a father scolding a child.

Krampus lightly shrugged. His anger was lukewarm, but the sting of battle still irritated him. Ricven busted his ass well. "So, I altered the deal! What's the harm in that?"

Ricven smirked. "So, you really are as stupid as you write."

"Don't judge me!" snapped Krampus. "I needed the power to sustain balance! The Realms of Winter would cease to be without me."

"That may be so, but you forget, it was I who built this realm," said Santa. "You are nothing more than an immortal manifestation of all things wicked. Still, abusing the balance of good and evil costs you. Do you think you will survive if I were to perish?"

Krampus thought about it. Santa was the force of good. Krampus was evil. They needed each other. Krampus sought to satisfy his greed and failed to realize the laws of all things governed even him. He growled from the thought.

It made Ricven snicker. "Yeah, he knows."

"FINE!" Krampus started to throw a temper tantrum. "You've made your glorious point. I admit defeat. But mark my words. There will come a time when not even your benevolence can save them." He looked between Ricven and Santa. "You can only do so much before the darkness demands its day."

Ricven thinned his eyes. "I've heard that before."

Krampus grinned. "I know." That made Ricven thin his eyes even more—the need to inquire never surfaced as Krampus waved them off. "Now, get out of my sight before I change my mind, denounce my veganism, and consider eating the lot of you. Children included!"

"Wait. That was it?" said Tinsel as they prepared to leave. Ricven summoned a portal out of here. "No more epic battles? No head of Krampus mounted over the fire while roasting chestnuts with Mama Carol?"

"As much as I would enjoy that," Stuffer threw an arm over Tinsel, all brotherly-like as they neared the portal with Ricven and Santa. "Some things are just not worth wishing for."

"Not to mention this whole special is to supposed to be bite-sized," said Ricven. "To be honest, every last one of you is manifestations forged from human myths and folklore that was stolen and refashioned into another like everything else, anyway. The will of belief is a powerful force. May as well embrace it. At least this one doesn't eat kids. Today's societal climate would piss a fit over that. Cancel culture is a toxic beast. So is society."

"Mankind is a wonderful beast, Ricven," Santa said with a humble chuckle.

Ricven smiled with a scoff. "Sure. Most of them deserve a big, dick-shaped lump of coal shoved right up their asses if you ask me."

~*~

THE REALMS OF WINTER
Santa's Citadel
That one place where toys for both kids and adults are born (yeah, I said adults. Christmas elves make sex toys, too)

I know one may be thinking: 'Are you serious? Sex toys?'

Yes. Yes, I was serious when I said that. And it was the truth. There was no sense in claiming Christmas presents for children when adults get gifts too. Discrimination was unheard of, and sex was a healthy element with all sentient life. So, to slut-shame and act a prude over the fact that a few dildos and rose toys rested on the assembly line here at Santa's Workshop called for a lump of coal in your mouth because deep down inside, everybody's a freak.

Upon assembly, the gifts slipped into some sort of portal to who knows where. Remember this one, folks.

Ricven and gang were up in Santa's main chamber discussing Krampus while snacking on cookies and milk. Santa stood before his central console displaying various realms and those who believed in him the most. The power of belief fueled Santa's lifeforce. And like all beings of living myth, he had a duty to fulfill.

"We made it in time," said Santa. "Christmas is saved." He looked over at Ricven, "Thanks to your efforts in retrieving me from that disgruntled fiend and his ungrateful lot."

Ricven was chilling in one of Santa's big comfy seats, making Ricven feel like he was back at Cruxhaven. The only difference was in the festive theme. And he wasn't as entirely high as he was earlier. And he was eating some good ass cinnamon cookies called biscochitos. "I feel like you didn't need me." He looked at Santa skeptically. How Ricven ate his cookies made his skeptic expression too silly to be taken seriously, at that.

"We all have a purpose," said Santa. He returned to the projections. A lot of data that only he had the natural-born talent to interpret. "Yours was necessary—a test of faith. Many refuse to believe in the spirit of ole St. Nick. It has been a sad series of events."

"Blame it on the oppressors," said Ricven. He was eating as he talked. Carol came by and sat a tall glass of milk on the table. "They're not in it to spread joy and enlightenment. Only pain, suffering, and control. Power." He swallowed his cookie and reached for the glass of milk. "It's because of them that many roam lost in their beliefs, while some have, how can I put it, woke up."

"Wokeness," said Santa with a low chuckle. "The word and its meaning have been torn asunder by everyone involved."

Ricven shrugged. "Sleeping awake, I call them. They'll wise up soon enough. You can only stall out and go backward for so long before you notice the natural flow of progress. Evolution. And it holds back for no one. So, what's the plan? Feeling better for the big event?"

"Not entirely." Santa stroked his beardlocks. I have something else in mind. He walked away from the console. "Follow me."

Ricven walked with Santa with Carol and the three elves until they were far from the shop and deep into the stables where the reindeer awaited. In the middle of the stables was a strip of road fit for landing aircraft, but this was where Santa's sleigh sat. A pimped-out sled of magic and machine with all the new bells and whistles.

And standing ready to roll was Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, and, of course—the red-nose himself—Rudolph.

Santa reached his sleigh and went over the controls, nodding and grunting to himself as he evaluated the systems and the intricate engine that made part of the sleigh's thick backside.

Ricven rested his hands behind his head. "Nice ride."

"It is lovely, isn't it?" Carol agreed.

"Indeed," Santa chipped in. "Such is why it will be you delivering the gifts instead, Ricven McQueen."

[READ ON!]