things I'll never tell my therapist because I can't afford to have one

4

So earlier today, my sister beat me up the third time this year. No, I won't count all the times she beat me up my whole life. Mentally and physically.

The first time she did it to me (this year) was on our mother's birthday. I know it was my fault because I wouldn't get up. So I let her beat me up for it. I didn't even move an inch, I just let her punch me e everywhere, kick me in the head, and on my face. I didn't care. I stopped hurting myself then, so I kinda missed the pain so I just let her do it to me.

But that was also the time I decided that I don't want to be here anymore. At first I planned on kms. I wrote my two best friends, my letters. Because aside from my dad, F and A are also one of the main reasons why I'm still here until now. I still have my letters here somewhere.

It was June but my cousin's getting married at August. So I decided I'd do it after her wedding so I wouldn't ruin anything. So considerate of me, right??? Lmao. So after her wedding, I just needed a plan. I want to do it where nobody can find me after. But I needed money for that. Buttttt, 10 days after the wedding, my dad died.

So after the 7 day funeral, they gave me money. Enough money to do what I intended to do. But then I got soft. Everyone was. Our dad just died. I thought how cruel it is for me to leave. I was the only one who knew how to drive, our mother isn't allowed to leave the house. Who will drive for them???

So I decided to stay. I decided to postpone my plan. Because kawawa naman sila. But maaaan do I regret it now. I shouldn't have cared. They don't care about me anyway, they never did. So why should I care about them?

If I'd just gone through with my plan, I wouldn't get beat up twice again. I wouldn't have to deal with any of these anymore. I wouldn't feel so angry all the time. I wouldn't feel so alone and helpless anymore.

Because anywhere is better than here.