Days Like This. | D.L.

1.

"Hey Tiff, where am I sitting tonight?" I asked her as Paul and Jill finish my glam.

"Let me go check."

"Nah it's fine, I don't really care anyway. I don't even like these things, so I'm honestly gonna try and leave a quickly as possible." I said as I scrolled through Instagram.

My old friend from Texas had a baby. I couldn't help but be so happy for her. I commented a sweet congratulations with a few emojis. But although I was happy I was jealous. She has 2 kids now, happily married to the love of her life. Why was it so easy for her and so damn hard for me?

"Dem?" She asks getting my attention.

"Huh?" I asked as I set my phone down.

"Max is here. We gotta go." She said and I nodded. Walking toward the mirror I stopped to look.

This dress is too tight, and way too see through. I feel horrible. I ran my hands over my stomach and down to my hips, taking a big breath.

It's fine. Everything is fine.
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Jesse wrapped his arms around me as I leaned on the bathroom counter. I turned to look up at him, my hands automatically on his chest. "I'm scared." I said as I rested my head on his chest.

"I know baby. But no matter what happens, it will be okay." I prayed to God silently once more before turning back to check the test. My heart was beating so loud I was convinced he could hear it.

Negative. 

Again.

I shook Jesse's arms off of me and walked out to the backyard. I sat in a chair and cuddled my legs, face buried in my knees. Tears were running down my face. 

We had been trying for a baby for 8 months. 8 excruciatingly painful, heartbreaking months. Jesse and I got married 2 years ago in March, and decided last year that we were ready to have a family. I felt, for the first time in years, ready to have a baby. I mean, don't get me wrong. I have always wanted a family, especially with Jesse, but I finally felt mentally and physically prepared. 

But after seeing a negative test every two weeks for 8 months, it just seemed impossible. God was punishing me for something. Honestly, if God was real, he wouldn't do this to me. Life has given me so much shit to deal with in my 25 years, I lost my faith. And that was something I never thought would happen. 

Honestly, it was my fault this time. I did so much to fuck up my body when I was younger, who was I to think that it would be okay enough to carry a baby. I felt guilty. I wanted to give Jesse the life he had always dreamed about. My heart broke more and more each negative I saw, and I closed up more every time.

Yet Jesse never gave up on me. I knew he was hurting every single time too, and yet he kept positive for me. He was so sure that we would have a family one day. He stayed by my side, through thick and thin and I couldn't be more grateful. I just felt like I was holding him back.

The sliding door opened and then closed. "Babe, I love you so much." He said as he came and I stood up and let his arms embrace me and be a safety. He took me inside and we cuddled together on the couch, both letting tears fall freely.

I must have fallen asleep because when I woke up I was in bed. I could smell the aroma of bacon floating through the house, and up the stairs. I got up and went to wash my face, dried tears and ruined makeup off. I was in Jesse's tshirt and my underwear, so he must have gotten me ready for bed. What an absolute angel.

I walked downstairs and stood in the doorway watching my handsome and perfect husband cook. Thankfully he was amazing or we would be seriously screwed.

"Somethin smells yummy." I said as I sat at the island. He turned around and smiled. His bright blue eyes catching my attention. He had so much love for me and I could see it.

"Mmhmm. It's my hottie of a wife." I let out a small laugh and smiled. Jesse finished breakfast so we sat down to eat.

"So Phil brought up an album yesterday. He says i haven't been topping charts recently and I need to get working." I said as I moved my eggs around with my fork.

"God he is so anal and rude sometimes. He gets on my nerves. You told him that you wanted to take 2 months off to focus on your mental health and us. Why can't he understand that?" Jesse said protectively about me.

"I think he is just worried for my career honestly. He talked to Miley and I'm going to perform with her tomorrow night at her concert in San Diego." I told him. I was actually really excited to see Miley again.

"Oh really? I have shooting tomorrow but I can figure out a way to get there." He assured me. I smiled, seeing his goofy concentration face as he tried to figure out timing in his head.

"Its not a big deal, baby. There will be other concerts." I told him as we started to clean up from breakfast.

"I'll be there." He said as he pushed me against the counter and kissed me.

I separated to catch my breath, and caught him admiring my body. I blushed, and wrapped my hands around his neck.

"Now try to give me a baby."