Days Like This. | D.L.

19.

Its been a month since Jesse kissed Sarah. It was hard for me at first, attempting to go back to the way it was. So I went to therapy once a week rather than every other and started working on it and my issues.

I was so proud of myself. I am doing my best to be the best mom I can be. I mean its a cycle. The way you handle life and everything about you can be passed down to your children and it's not even genetic.

I know myself pretty well, and I know how I grew up. As much as I love my parents and I know they never meant to intentionally hurt me, that's just how it works.

My mom wasn't healthy when she was raising Dallas and I. She had some issues that she didn't work on until we were much older. She had a severe eating disorder and abused medication for her anxiety. I really took after her in those aspects, watching her unhealthy relationship with food and body image rubbed off on me. Of course it's definitely not her fault I have an eating disorder. But if she had gotten help, I wouldn't have thought that it was normal or okay. And same goes for her relationship with Patrick, my dad. His temper and abuse was at times unbearable. He made her miserable and Dallas and I watched. Being raised in a house where physical violence is okay, really has affected our way of going about relationships. There were times where we would walk out and intervene trying to get him to stop, and as always it was never his fault. There was always an excuse for his behavior even when the abuse was directed at her children. His substance abuse eventually became too much and we left, but that was after we had been drained of money and had no other choice.

I just know that I don't want that for my kids. And I'm scared everyday that I'm going to do something that fucks them up. So that's why I have to work on myself. And it's also why Jesse and I have moved on from what happened.

We even finished the nursery!!

I am now 33 weeks pregnant! I have surpassed the length of my last pregnancy and there is a high chance of survival if she were to come now. Which is why Jesse and I have been preparing full time. We have everything that we could need, which is exactly why I'm not having a baby shower.

I decided that I wanted to do a natural birth and Jesse said he just wants me to do whatever makes me as comfortable as possible.

I didn't come to this decision lightly, the fact that I made it so late isn't really normal. I just have been trying to focus on one day at a time. It actually made me extremely anxious to think about birth, after my last one. For obvious reasons and some less known reasons.

I vowed to myself and everyone around me that I was doing it completely natural. But after plans changed due to the complications I went through. I basically begged for drugs and an epidural, anything to take the pain away.

I wished that I could be like normal mothers who didn't have addictions. But after Peyton died I was in such a dark place. Jesse came home one night and I was just sitting in her nursery with a bottle of unopened vodka.

flashback

"Demi, what the fuck are you doing?" He asked as he found me and he rushed over to me. I heard him take a breath of relief when he realized it wasn't open yet.

He took the bottle and dumped it down the sink. He brought me to the bathroom and cleaned the ruined makeup off of my face.

"Baby. What's going on?" He asked me but I didn't respond.

I knew he was disappointed in me. Hell, I was disappointed in me. I was so close to opening the bottle and just wasting away my years of sobriety like they were nothing.

I just started sobbing. Like violently crying, my body shaking with the mental pain I was feeling. Jesse held me and cried with me.

He was so worried about me. He wanted to call Mike. I instantly begged him not to. I couldn't let anyone from my team knowing about this. They would drop me in nothing flat.

He agreed against calling him but only if I went back to therapy and worked through it. And he made me promise that I would come to him. So I did. And he came to me. Our relationship grew back stronger than ever after being torn apart about our daughters death.

end flashback

"Dem? You ready to go?" Jesse caught my attention, out of my thoughts. I smiled up at him.

"You look so good baby." I got up and kissed him. We had to get going 

We were going to go to Jesse's cabin for the week and we would be celebrating Christmas there. I was 8 months pregnant but I needed an adventure. I needed something to get my blood pumping and there is no one I would rather do it with. We would be back in time to celebrate New Years with our friends and family. This would be our last trip just Jesse and I.

I got in the black Jeep that I got when I was 19 while Jesse loaded all of our luggage into the back. I knew I was a bit overdressed for going to the middle of nowhere but there was no way I was putting on pants unless they were Jesse's sweats. I tried but he already had them packed.

He hopped in next to me and started the car, forgetting to buckle. "Hey Mr. Williams, buckle up." I poked his leg and he did. I plugged my phone in and pressed play on one of my favorite playlists.

The serotonin that was flowing through my body was unmatched. I sang along to my music while soaking up the scenery as it changed from the chaos of Los Angeles to the calming back roads that led to our destination. The whole time Jesse kept glancing over at me with a big ole cheesy grin on his face.

We pulled up to the cabin, the sound of pine needles cracking under my tires. I slid out of the passenger side and went to unlock the front door. Jesse grabbed our things and followed me in.